The Markers Of Life...

Today, something unbelievable happened. Okay, so not very unbelievable... I knew this day would come at some point! Today, I realized that on the 6th of this month last year, I moved to Portland. And oh so much has changed in this one short year... Today, I graduated college. It's a bit of a bittersweet moment for me... Here I am, only 19 and finished with all the schooling I have planned for my life. And it scares me. Living the life of a student, be it elementary school, middle school, high school, or college, is all I've ever known. And since 90% of my life has been in a small town, moving to a large city was rough...

The other week, I realized just how depressed I've been since moving here. (And don't get me wrong, there have been some amazing times here! But you know how it goes, the bad always seems to outweigh the good.) I decided to try this online test that psychiatrists give patients to determine their level of depression, and the higher the number, the higher the risk of you being clinically depressed. Well, I got a 100. I freaked. I was a total wreck. I called my insurance, figured out what kind of help I could get that was covered by them, and emailed mom about my results. Now here is the great thing about my mother: She is a truly wise woman. She pointed out to me all the things that have changed in my life in one year, and how for these last 12 months, I've been living the life of an adult as an 18 year old. Paying medical bills, dealing with work and school 24 hours, battling with my health, living away from everything I've ever known. And then she told me that she'd be more worried if I was totally fine with it all! Suddenly, none of it seemed like a big deal anymore.  It was like God just lifted all my worries off my shoulders and said, "Stop worrying hun, I got your back on this one."

So now I'm ready to start my first full time job, and I'm so excited! Insanely nervous, but happy! I will finally begin to have the life here that I wanted, but couldn't reach because there was always something in the way (like school). Ever since I moved here, it's been school in the day, and work at night. Now it's working in the day, and Awana, church choir, bible study, and junior high youth group at night, with weekends free to do what I want to do. And it's a job I'm going to LOVE. That's the biggest part about this whole transition: A job that I'm taking because I WANT to, not because I have to. (Well, okay yeah I do need a job... Gotta pay off those medical bills somehow!). I've always seen myself as a people person, but now I get to be a people person in a whole new way! Retail is taking it's toll on me, and after eating in a small town restaurant this weekend, I realized I don't think I could ever go back to waitressing! I'm ready for this new challenge. And what a challenge that will be! But with God at my side, I have faith that I will conquer.



Now, for those of you who have been following this blog from the start, you know I've had a pretty rough year. Relationship troubles (both romantic and non), problems with school, problems with work, problems with figuring out just who I am, and what I want to be. I've drowned myself in depression and at one point about gave up entirely and moved back home. But I've had some great moments too. I've fallen in love (real, honest to goodness love), and I know who I plan on marrying. I've graduated from college. I've strengthened my relationship with God, my parents, and my siblings. I've become way more involved in my church. I've become friends with some great and amazing people. All of these good things were goals I have set for myself. The only thing I didn't plan on was falling in love. Which also scared the crap out of me, but it's one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life. Being so sure, knowing without a doubt I've met my husband, and knowing that we're never going to let go of each other, it's amazing.

There have been a lot of hard lessons this year. The biggest of all of them was learning to let go. Having to realize that the place where I grew up is no longer my home. I still love that town, but there isn't anything there for me anymore. I realize this sounds harsh, but my future is here. That has been the biggest battle I've had so far. And the biggest part of that was letting go of my best friend. We grew so far apart so quickly that it killed me. Not talking to her, not seeing her, not sharing secrets or making new memories, it hurt. A lot. We finally had our first fight, after a little over four and a half years of friendship. I don't think it was really either one of our faults that it happened. We just went in different directions. Couldn't see eye to eye anymore. And to this girl: I love you with all my heart. You made high school an experience I will never forget. We got each other through a lot of heart ache, hurt, tears, laughs, and annoyances. I will always look back with very fond memories, and laugh at all the stupid things we did. Never lose your beautiful smile, and always stay strong. I'm here for you if you want me. Always a phone call or text away. And let me know if you ever find those hamburger chips! ; )

I feel like there is so much more to write, but it's getting late and this post is long enough... So, with that, have a fantastic morning/day/or night... Whichever it is when you read this. God bless.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

This one's for the Graduates....

Dear Class of Twenty Eleven-

I would just like to start off saying- though I'm not beside you in person, I'm there with you in heart, helping you celebrate this huge occasion.

This weekend is bringing so many great things: It brings to a close one vast chapter of your life, and it marks the beginning of a great adventure. In this adventure, you will face many challenges. You will forget homework assignments, fail tests, live off PB&J's and cup-of-soup, and even lose touch with best friends... But the great thing about all of life's roller coasters is the high; the part when you can life your hands off the safety bar and just enjoy the ride. You will meet new friends, explore new places, and create new memories.

You are stepping out into a brand new world, and oh the potential it holds for you! You're the adult now, you make the decisions. As difficult as it may be to see your future, don't fade away into your past. For the more you look at your past, the more LIFE passes you by. Look on high school with a fond heart, for it brought you here, to this day; but always wonder where you should move forward to.

Never hesitate to ask questions; questions of teachers, classmates, peers, family, or friends- you never know who may be holding the answer.

In hard times, just remember: There are many who love you and are wishing you the best; praying for your success.

And when you're down, never hesitate to call, but above all, never underestimate the power of prayer- for God knows your heart. He knows your joys as well as your sorrows, and will take the greatest of weights off your shoulders if you let Him.

So go forth, my friends. Be all you and be, and may God be with you every step of the way.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

Remember...

It says in the Bible that you need to remember all that you are thankful for in hard times. Well, these are hard times, and this is what I'm thankful for (not in any particular order, and I know there are things I will forget....):

1. A roof over my head and food in my tummy every night,
2. My amazing, crazy, wonderful family that has been there through everything.
1. My mom, who always has the best advice no matter the circumstance.
2. My dad, who always manages to make me smile and realize things from a different perspective.
3. My sister, who always has my back and tells me everything I need to hear, whether I want to hear it or not.
4. My grandparents, who supported me in everything I did.
5. My brother, finally having an opportunity to get to know each other and have fun together.
6. My niece, who always gives me the cheekiest, cutest smiles when I just look at her.
7. My nephew, who may not like giving hugs, but always seems to know just when I need one- and he holds on tight.
3. My wonderful boyfriend, who has seen me at good times and bad, with makeup and with out makeup, and still loves me just the same. Whenever I'm feeling down or going through a rough patch, he always lifts me up again with a bible verse or by telling me some funny thing he and his friends have done.
4. My awesome church, which is involved in so many aspects of the Christian faith, and being able to be a big part of every Sunday by leading the congregation in worship.
5. My job, which I may not have totally enjoyed at first, but my boss has shown me she's willing to do what it takes to keep me working and giving me hours,
6. My car, which I swear must have super powers, because it's made one tank of gas stretch farther than I thought possible when money is tight.
7. My education, both high school and college. High school prepared me for everything I had to accomplish in college, and college is preparing me for life.
8. My great extern site. The doctor is so relaxed and understanding about any special circumstances, and is willing to help you out with anything you may be struggling with. The clinic just has a wonderful small-town feel to it. I hope I can find a clinic like that to work in when I'm ready for a job...
9. My bible study and the friends in it. Without that, there is so much I wouldn't have learned and good times I wouldn't have had!
10. The friends I'm starting to meet and work and school.
11. The ability to realize what to fight for, and what to let go.

I know there is so much more, but the fact is this: Everything that I'm so thankful for, wouldn't be possible without God. So what I am most thankful for above all else, is my relationship with Him and everything He has given me....

Loving Thoughts,

Girl With No Name

To Go, Or Not To Go.....

Wow. Talk about a wild ride. The past month and a half has brought so much: the end of classes, an amazing boyfriend, more hours at work, CLINIC!, growing closer with God.... I'm sure there's much more, but I'm much too tired to think of them all!

But amongst all this greatness, there's still the fear, worries, doubt, and even a little pain. My most recent struggle: Whether or not to go home for my high school's 2011 graduation. I know, it sounds like a pretty silly thing to be worrying about, but I am.

See, here's what gets me: I barely talk with anyone from back home anymore. Now, I know the street goes both ways, you don't have to tell me that; but whenever I try to start conversations with any of them, it's just the awkward "Hey, how are you doing? Oh I'm fine. Anything new? Nope, not here either..." Yeahhh. Not much of a conversation. So I finally just gave up. There's no point to keep trying to make connections with people that obviously could care less how you are, what you are doing, and what's going on in your life. It's starting to become apparent to me that: Yes, I was liked by most people in high school, but not liked enough, or didn't make a big enough impression on others to really be missed once I was gone... I see talk between my old classmates, or between my classmates and some of the people still in high school, on Facebook; talking about how much they miss each other, how they can't wait to hang out again, etc. And who do I talk to? Oh, some friends from church, occasionally someone from school. But never anyone from back home.

So it's because of this that I'm not sure if I should go back. I mean, why should I waste my money on gas to go see people that don't necessarily want to see me? People that I have no connection with, and now, really nothing in common with. All we truly share is our past. I've changed a lot since high school, and sure, so have they, but not in the same ways that I have....

Which brings up my second worry- No one has seen me since I started changing. The memory they have when they think of me is not accurate to the person I am now. I'm afraid they won't understand the changes I've gone through to become the person I am, the person I'm trying to be. And what I'm truly afraid of: I'm terrified of being sucked into my past life, of ruining all the progress I've made. I know that may be a pretty irrational fear, but it's there nonetheless.

So, there we have it. I must admit though, it is pretty nice not worrying about the things I used to- namely, boys and relationships. I never would have thought that I'd be dating the guy I'm with now, but I'm so glad God brought him into my life this way. I cannot wait to see what the future brings for us!

Good night all,
Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

Use me how You need me...

Tonight I heard something genius. A friend of mine at bible study was talking about one of her friends who said this (and yes, I'm paraphrasing), "No, I don't like my job. I'd love to quit. But here's the thing: there are two guys who don't know the Lord, that keep asking me questions. God put me there for a reason. I get to be a light in a dark place. So this is where I'm staying." That statement, is overwhelmingly packed with wisdom.

It's almost been a year since I moved away from home. And it's unbelievable to see just how much has changed. In high school, you always hear adults saying "Time flies!" and "So many things changed in such short time!". I was just like, "Well yeah, high school is going by pretty fast, and I'm changing grades and jobs and whatnot...." I never fully understood what they meant, until now. 

See, I'm a plan maker. And last summer, I had a plan. My best friend and I were going to live together in a small college town, go to school, and just have fun. Welllll, when we both decided we hated the school we were supposed to be attending, my whole plan, and my whole world, flipped upside down in about four days.... Four short days, is all it took (and all God needed) to literally change the course of my whole life. 

It has been an amazing, wild, and hard ride; filled to the brim with plenty of ups and downs to keep my head spinning, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have no idea where I'd be if my friend and I had stuck to our plan, but I have a very strong feeling that it would be a total 180 from where I am now.

And it hasn't been any secrete that I don't like living in the city. I miss my country life. I miss knowing everyone. There is just something about living in a small town that is so calm, peaceful, and reassuring. I love it. But what that guy said really hit home. THIS is where God put me. He made that VERY clear! He's shown me many reasons for me being here, another one of which He showed me on Sunday, which was impacted more by what I had discussed with my bible study leader last Tuesday. I'm supposed to be in this place. I'm supposed to be involving myself in the church. I'm supposed to be reaching out to others, helping them avoid the mistakes I've made in my past, or helping them through their own mistakes. I'm supposed to be here, to learn more about my relationship with God, and to grow in it. I may not particularly enjoy every bit of it, but I get to be a light in a dark place. 

I asked God last week to test me, to start tearing me down so He could build me back up. I told Him that I was sick of the way I'd been living, even with Him so much more in my life. I want a change. I want to be used and molded into HIS creation. I want His light and glory to shine through my life. I want to reach out and help others. I want to go on mission trips. I want to become so involved in my church that whenever someone needs something done, my name instantly pops in their head. I want to live my life FOR God. I want Him to be in every nook and cranny of my life. I want people to make no mistake in knowing, in SEEING, that I am a Christian woman living for God. He has started this process already. I have a feeling, this has been a long time coming; He just had to wait for me to open my heart and say the word. It's hard. There are a lot of things I have to come to terms with. But I know, without a doubt, that while it's GOD tearing me down, HE is also the one building me back up so I am more useful to whatever His plan is for me. I have faith that I'm going to make it through. He never gives us a test that we can't ace. We may stumble, but if He brings us to it, He'll bring us through it!

Loving thoughts,

Girl With No Name

A Little About Me.....

I'm not quite sure why, but I have the urge tonight to just tell you folks a bit about myself. It may have something to do with the fact that some very lovely rumors have started spreading about me in my hometown, but I can't be sure, because I've had this idea for a while now.... So here we go! (And these go in no particular order...)

1. Strong willed Christian. I still have a long journey ahead, but I have God the whole way!
2. I'm a country girl, through and through. I'm surviving pretty well in the city, but my heart will always lay with the mountains and rivers!
3. I have a very hot temper, and I'm pretty pig headed at times about protecting my views. But I DO know when to back down, and I DO know when I'm wrong. I'm not afraid to admit it.
4. I'm a very sensitive person. My feelings get hurt very easily. But, I don't like to show it. If you can SEE something is wrong with me, then something is REALLY wrong.
5. I tend to take things very seriously, and it drives me nuts when others don't...
6. I like to do a lot of different things, and because of that, I'm not exceptionally great at anything... I severely want to find something to be passionate about doing, and I want to make a difference with it.
7. I'm really analytical, therefore I find it impossible to make estimate guesses about ANYTHING, because in my mind, there are just too many variables.
8. I don't particularly like change, unless it comes slowly and I am able to plan it out.
9. I don't like there to be surprises where there shouldn't be... Like at work, it's hard for me to enjoy my day, because I don't know what to expect. I like having a set routine, to know what to expect, and be able to make plans.
10. I'm a list writer. I write lists for EVERYTHING. It helps me feel more in control.
11. When I'm trying something new, I generally get it after the first few tries, but I'm often scared that I'm going to forget or I'm going to come across something I don't know the answer to, so I'll tell whoever is teaching me that I still don't get it, even if I know darn well I can do it.
12. For me, trust in another person is generally instantly there to varying degrees, but it's VERY easy for me to lose that trust...
13. I tend to harshly judge myself according to what I believe other's are thinking about me.
14. I like to have my 'alone time', but I don't like not having the option to be with other people. I don't think I would ever be able to live by myself because of that...
15. I'm in love with Mini Coopers.
16. I dream to travel the world, especially to Italy, Ireland, and Germany.
17. I HATE spiders.... Absolutely cannot stand them!
18. I love eating anything that is minty. Mint ice cream, mint chocolate, mint cake, mint whatever!
19. I'm almost grossly fascinated with crime. I love crime shows and researching true crime. If the medical field doesn't work out for me, I want to go to school to be a Crime Scene Investigator or work in a police lab, or who knows, maybe even go into the FBI...
20. I love to help people. I always want to be in a career where the main goal is to serve others.
21. I feel very mature for my age. Which seems a bit odd to me. There was never any experience in my childhood that MADE me grow up faster than I should have, but at the same time, I feel as though I did....
22. When I get married, I want to live on a ranch. I want to have horses and cows and dogs, maybe even a few cats! I want my kids to experience the side of country living that I didn't get to have when I was a child.
23. I've never gone hunting. I really really want to though!! I think big game hunting would be lots of fun!
24. I want to make a difference in the world; to really make a name for myself. My biggest fear is of living the one life I have, and then being forgotten once I'm past. I want to do something that makes my family proud, that will make my kids proud, and most of all, God proud.
25. I'm not afraid of pain, or of dying for that matter. I know where I'm going when I die, and it's a far better place than here! And I know that any pain I endure, is only temporary, and that whatever pain I do go through, God has a reason for. So bring it on!!
26. Kind of morbid, but I've always had a feeling that I would get cancer, or die in some unconventional way, or at a really young age... Weird, I know, but again, I'm not afraid of whatever is going to happen!
27. I hate disappointing people or having people upset with me. It bugs me when people don't like me. I'm definitely a people-pleaser, but I don't go out of my way to get other's approval. If they don't like me for who I am, then I guess we'll both just have to live with it!
28. I'm a definitely my daddy's daughter; No one messes with my family or friends, or they will find out just how much of a temper runs in my blood. I protect my own.
29. I'm pro life. I do not believe there is ever a circumstance where it is okay to kill a living baby, just because it isn't born yet. I even almost failed my english class (my best subject) my sophomore year because I refused to write the pro-choice debate my teacher assigned me.
30. I cannot stand it when people write like they are idiots. There is a reason we all go to school and take spelling classes and writing classes! USE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT'S GIVEN TO YOU!
31. I blog because it makes me feel accountable for what I say. Like, once it's out on the internet, where everyone can see, I can't take it back. I can't go back on what I said. Knowing that all of you read this, it helps me to keep myself in line.

So, that's by no means everything to know about me, but it's a start... Maybe in a few months or years, I'll write another one. :)

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

On the Drive Home...

I love the 20 minute drive I have when I come home from school. It's my time to just relax (well, depending on traffic conditions...), rock out to my favorite music, or talk with God. Today, I talked with God. And in return, He gave me the biggest epiphany of my life.

So, all of you know that I'm working on my romantic life. It's been the biggest battle for me since moving here, and has been the topic of most of my posts. Well, sorry but here's another one! But this one is QUITE different from the others.... See, there's this guy. I like him, a LOT. I didn't even know that I liked him until this last weekend, buuuuuuut I do. He's cute, smart, fun to be with, loves being with his family, loves the country, and most importantly, is a Christian. And I'm scared to death. Or, at least I was until about half an hour ago....

So lets start from the beginning. Once I started dating in high school, I pretty much never stopped. I had my first real boyfriend at the beginning of my sophomore year. Between then and my senior year, I can honestly say that I was not single for more than about 5 or 6 months. Yeahhhh.... That's not a long time... I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. That's just the way I was (or so I thought, until half an hour ago)... I was happy with the way I was doing things back then. I was always a happy, energetic, talkative girl that got into anything in our school and community that I could get my hands on. So when I moved here, I thought that the reason I was getting so depressed was because I didn't have my schedule full all the time, because I didn't have my friends, and I was just in a new place and had no idea what was going on! But even when I started getting to know people, when I started having things to do almost every night of the week, and when I just had a lot going on, I was still getting depressed. I was pushing everyone, friends and family, away. Well, a few weeks ago my sister and I discovered a lot of the reason why I've been on a swinging roller coaster of happiness and depression ever since I got here. Back home when I was working, going to school, playing sports, hanging out with my friends, competing in FFA, I had a boyfriend through all of it. And when I didn't have a boyfriend, I was flirting with the guy I ended up dating next. It sounds really horrible, I know. I didn't realize just how bad that all looked until I took a step back at thought about who I used to be, and what I used to do. It kinda makes me sick now, just thinking about it. I thought that I had given my heart away to one of my ex boyfriends, and he had broken it. But what I realized in the car today, was that I have never given my heart away. I have never been in love. I THOUGHT I was in love with him, but after taken a hard look into my past, I've come to the hard realization that what I loved, was the attention. How I felt when I had a boyfriend who was holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me; THAT is what I loved. I realized that this guy I thought I loved, I actually didn't like very much. I didn't like his sense of humor, I didn't like the way he treated people, I HATED the way he acted toward my best friend, and I didn't like that he was Mormon. I realized that about the only thing I DID like about him was that he was part of a big, close knit family, and I thought he was attractive. I know bad all this sounds, I really do. But I can't ignore it, especially because it helps me realize what I need to do with my next relationship. All my past relationships were about me, and the benefit I got out of them. I liked those guys because they gave me the attention I desired. My relationships weren't about me liking the guy, wanting to get to know him on a personal level besides what we saw at school and sports trips, and they certainly weren't about God in any way. That's never going to happen again.

I realize that if I'm going to date this guy that I like now, it has to be intentional. There has to be boundaries. In the past, my only boundary was that I would not have sex. I realize now that that is not enough. It's time to step it up. I need to have a relationship where the attention factor is null. I need a relationship that is about getting to know each other and growing and building each other up in God. I really hope this can be the case with the guy I'm interested. I hope that what he says to me, about him agreeing with me, isn't just talk like it was with the last guy I almost dated. And I have to say, I'm VERY relieved and feel quite blessed that God did not let me pursue that relationship. I know what I want now. I even have an idea of how to obtain it; this relationship on a PERSONAL level, not a physical level, with the God and the man I like. It's going to be difficult for me, but I have family and God on my side to keep me accountable, along with this guy. And if the guy can't help me be accountable, then he isn't the one for me.

I ask that those of you who pray, please keep me and this relationship in your prayers. It's going to take a lot of work, but if he is as serious as I am, it will be worth it.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name