The Story of My Life.

I grew up in a Christian home, so I’ve always known God. Because of this, I don’t really have a big testimony about walking in the darkness with a big “aha!” moment of realizing Christ and His love for me. But what has happened in the past two years, has made me realize what true faith is, and what it looks and feels like to sacrifice everything you once stood for and love. I’ve had to learn, sometimes the hard way, that God has the best plan for my life- not me. I’ve had to give things up that I loved with all my heart in order to keep with God’s will, and have been blessed richly by doing so. So with that, here is my story about a girl who had to lose everything she knew for a world full of uncertainty, but also full of Christ.

I am a person that loves to plan, to have everything organized and figured out before jumping into a situation. So it wasn’t a big surprise that I had my first year of college planned out by the start of my senior year of high school. Another thing that didn’t surprise anyone was that my best friend, Kenzie, was included in these plans. Kenzie and I were inseparable all through high school, so it was only natural that we would go to college together!

Halfway through the school year was when things started to change. The college we were planning on going to was giving me a lot of problems, and I decided that it really wasn’t a school that I wanted to go to; but I would still go for Kenzie. After all, we had all these plans, and I certainly didn’t want to be the one to ruin them…

Well, we made it to graduation, and Kenzie and I decided to live together that summer before we went to college. We almost made it through the summer before she told me she didn’t want to go to our school anymore. I was so relieved! But it was short lived; she then told me what school she did want to go to, and had already applied to. It was a school in a town that I never wanted to live in, and a school that I never wanted to attend! I was at a complete loss. I knew at that point, all our plans were over. We wouldn’t be living together, or experiencing anymore “firsts” with each other. I felt like half of who I was, was going to be ripped away from me.

That night I called my mom, who happened to be in Portland visiting my sister. I broke down crying as I explained what was going on. I had completely lost control of my life, and the plans I had for it. Now what was I supposed to do? It was too late to turn in applications to any other school. And sure, I didn’t like the plan I had before, but at least it was a PLAN, something that I could count on and rely on to work. In the midst of my crying, my sister asked me, “Emily, do you remember when you were a freshman, and I told you that you could live with me here in Portland, and go to school here? Well, that option is still open.” That comment really caught me off guard. By that point, she had married, had one child, and was pregnant with a second. How could there possibly be room for me in their lives? I told her I would think about it…

I got on the computer the next day and started researching schools in the Portland area that specialized in medical assisting, since that was what I wanted to do. As I was looking at the schools and filling out applications, all I could think was, “God, this situation is in your hands, just please don’t let me fall. You know what I need, so make it happen.” As it turned out, a school called me the same day I turned in the application! They scheduled an interview with me for that weekend, so I headed to Portland the next day! I was accepted, and they had me set to start school in two weeks! I was excited that I had a plan, but I was also terrified. I was going to be moving away from my little town- the only thing I knew. I was moving from a valley of 500 people, to a city of over 30,000 people. I had a plan, yes. But I certainly did not have control.

My first year of living in Portland was scary. I didn’t have a job for the first 3 months, so I was barely able to fill my car with gas to get to school. When I did get a job, it only lasted for the Christmas season, so I was out of work again right after Christmas, and for the next two months. But all these experiences were eye openers. God showed me every single day that He was still walking beside me, that I was not alone, and He would take care of me.

I finally started making some friends in the spring, and God had even blessed me with a Christian boyfriend, Ethan. We’d known each other in high school, but never had any particular interest in dating. He was the first Christian I ever dated, and he helped me through a lot of really difficult times, including the first ever fight I had with Kenzie, which ultimately led to the end of our friendship. I was completely heartbroken. I never thought a day would come when I wouldn’t call Kenzie my best friend, but God knew what He was doing when He cut those ties.

Ethan was also the first boyfriend I ever set real boundaries with. Both of us wanted to take our relationship seriously because neither one of us wanted to just “date”. We wanted to prepare ourselves for the possibility of marriage, and we didn’t want to mess things up by moving too fast. I quickly found myself falling in love with him. I knew that I wanted to marry him. We talked about it constantly; what we wanted our lives to look like, where we wanted to live, and how many kids to have. It was exciting. Ethan even gave me a promise ring to wear until he purposed. I again had a plan for my life. But, just like before, my plan wasn’t God’s plan…

It started a few months after we started really seriously talking about marriage. I would start to feel a little sick to my stomach whenever I thought about my life being spent with Ethan. I just shrugged it off at first, thinking it was nothing. But when it started to get worse, I began to pray about it. And the more I prayed, the more God made me aware that I would be making a huge mistake by marrying Ethan. For whatever reason, I could feel God pulling my heart further away from Ethan and I’s relationship. And I wasn’t the only one noticing… Ethan tried to talk to me about it, but since I didn’t even understand what was going on, how could I explain it to anyone else?

Finally, one weekend I felt like God was just pounding on my heart and thoughts “You end this relationship, and you end it now!” My parents were in town, and while I hadn’t told them what I’d been feeling the past weeks, both could tell something was wrong. I finally broke down crying to each of them. Dad took me for a long walk that night and just talked to me. He liked Ethan, but he wouldn’t be able to give him permission to marry me. He wasn’t stable enough in a job and he didn’t know what he wanted for himself. Without these things answered, he couldn’t possibly try and include me in his life as well. And I wasn’t ready for marriage either. There were things that I still needed to figure out: if I really wanted to go on mission trips, figure out what to do now that I was almost done with school, and really see where my relationship with God stood. And the biggest thing my dad pointed out: If God was telling me no, then I needed to listen. Yet again, I found myself heartbroken. I was in love with Ethan. I didn’t understand why God was telling me no; it wasn’t like Ethan was a terrible person. He wasn’t going to be abusive, he was a Christian, and I LOVED him. The decision to break up with Ethan was literally the hardest choice I have ever had to make. But from all my experiences with God, I knew that there had to be a reason for Him to be saying no, and I knew I would regret it if I ignored Him. So I listened. That night, I broke up with the man I wanted to marry. I couldn’t stop crying. I was a wreck for weeks. His family turned against me, refused to talk to me. Within two months, Ethan had a new girlfriend. That was a hard pill to swallow, but God’s made me a stronger person because of it. I now KNOW what I do and don’t want in a husband. I know who I am, and whatever else life throws at me, I know I have the strength to say no to the world and yes to Christ! I’m standing firm in my faith, and God keeps showing me daily that He won’t let me down, as long as I’m striving after Him.

He’s also made me understand that as much as I loved Ethan, we weren’t right for each other. Neither one of us were ready for that large of a commitment, nor could I  fully hand my self over to Ethan as his wife. I was still carrying baggage from past relationships, and so was he. You can’t fully love someone without being healed and whole, and the only way to be whole is to give God your life. All of it, not just the pieces you think you want to give Him. He needs ALL of you to make you new and whole and ready for His work.

Of course, there are still things I need to work on, but I’m a lot farther now than I ever was six months ago. And now, GOD is in control of my life, I’m just along for the ride, admiring His handy work as we pass by. 

To Uganda, And Beyond

In my last post, I commented briefly on my upcoming mission trip. Now, I want to expand on that! For the past couple years, I’ve been wanting to go on a mission trip to another country; specifically on the trip to Uganda that my church does every year. And this summer, that dream is finally coming true!

In Uganda, we will be going to two different orphanages run by the Good Samaritan Ministries, located in Masaka and Nambirizi. While most of the kids we will be working with live at the school, there are many still that walk from miles around to get an education. Learning is something these kids have a passion for!  They love attending school! We hope to help that love grow by working on the construction of the buildings. We will be putting new floors in, and hopefully putting up some walls as well!

Other needs of these children we are going to attend to are medical based. They do not have reliable medical supplies or the personnel to administer them. We will be taking bandages, band-aides, ointments, creams, anything and everything we can to help these poor children! They don’t get nearly enough attention in that regard. Most of their parents have died from HIV or AIDs, so for a lot of these kids, the most medical attention they receive is when we are there once a year!

Now, while all the physical needs of these kids as obvious, we are focusing also on the need that is most apparent: their need for Christ. While I have never been to this country before, or met these children, I’ve heard stories from the people who have gone there before me. These kids have a burning desire to know Christ! Last year we brought them 800 Bibles, which was not enough…. This year we plan on bringing at least 600 more! These children are so eager to learn, so eager to build that relationship with God! It’s amazing. Again, though I’ve never seen this for myself, the power and impact of what my mentors have told me is very real. Even right now, as I’m writing this, I can feel their hurt, their pain, their need, and their desire. I just wish we in America would realize how truly blessed we are, and I wish people here could see their own need for Christ, and have the same desire to have a relationship with God as these children do!

This is a huge project, and one that I am beyond excited about! I get to indulge in many of my passions at every aspect of this endeavor! I get to spread awareness of other peoples needs. I get to travel. And above all, I get to share the glory and love of God with over 1,000 children! It’s amazing. I’m honored that God has finally chosen me for this type of work. I’m also a little terrified. This is something major: while we are there, we are providing some of these kids their first glance of God (No pressure!). I’m nervous to share my testimony with kids from such a different background as what I am from. I’m nervous about the language barrier. But in all this, I will keep my faith in God, and know that He will carry me through! He will give the words I need, and He will keep us safe, and He will put us in the right places at the right time so we may do the best work for His kingdom that we can!

As you can see, there is a lot that goes into this endeavor… I ask that you please pray for my team, this incredible journey, and me! Pray for our preparation: this is a trip with many expenses to it. Each team member needs to raise $3,000 to cover airfare, living, and food expenses while we are gone. We need to receive all the medical aid donations in time, and it needs to be enough to help all the children we possible can. We need to raise the funds for the 600 bibles we plan to give out. Please pray for safe travels; that everyone is able to get the immunizations they need, passports, and visas. And pray for the people we will be helping and speaking to. Pray that their hearts are opened wide, and they may receive the love of Christ. I have seen many wonderful things happen because of prayer, and I know God will follow through on this as well!

I covet your prayers and appreciate them beyond measure; if you would like to step out beyond being a prayer partner, and join us in this mission financially, that would also be a huge blessing! Or, if you would like to donate medical supplies, that would be amazing as well! All donations can be mailed to:

 Lake Bible Church

(c/o Emily Coombes)

4565 Carman Drive,

Lake Oswego, OR 97035

Any checks written need to be made out to Lake Bible Church, with Emily’s Mission Trip in the memo line. Also, while we are gone (we fly out of PDX on Father’s Day) I will be posting on my blog as I am able! My desire is to keep everyone who has partaken at all in this journey to feel as if they are there beside us! Thank you all so much for your support from the very beginning of this blog, and thanks to many of you who have helped form me into the person I am now, to be accomplishing such a mission as this! My heart goes out to all of you!

Loving Thoughts,

Girl With No Name

(Hmm. Maybe now that I’ve stopped my identity-free posts, I should come up with a new signature?? Any thoughts?) J

Let It Fade....

You know, it’s really amazing (and kind of dumbfounding) how many revelations you can have on one “simple” lesson or topic. I’ve written many times about friendships and relationships; you’d think I would have learned all that I could by now! But nooo, God has this amazing way of taking a lesson he’s already taught you, tweaks it just a bit, and hits you upside the head with it again while saying, “Dear child, when are you going to WAKE UP!?” Well, welcome to my life!

It’s a little sad that it took meeting my new primary doctor (who is totally awesome) to get my butt in gear, but here I am! About to make a move TOTALLY out of character for me: going to a church I’ve never been to before, and just showing up (by myself) at their young adults group. And I’m TERRIFIED. But extremely excited at the same time! See, since I moved here I’ve been depressed about not meeting people my age, not having people to hang out, and basically just drowning out the sadness of not having that kind of contact anymore by completely submersing myself in work. But it’s taking a toll… After talking with my doctor yesterday, she confirmed it: I HAVE to start getting out with people my own age. She explained how that would really help with the depression (well, that and exercise… whoops.). So last night I went home, and googled for about 2 hours (it’s actually pretty difficult to find CHRISTIAN young adults groups in this town!) but I found two churches that really interest me, so hey! Why not check it out, give these guys a chance?

I realized today while listening to “Let It Fade” by Jeremy Camp (amazing song! Must listen!), that I’ve been so angry with God for not “getting me friends”, and been clinging onto the idea of the past friendships I had. But what I wasn’t accounting for was right in front of my face: I’d moved. I was in a new city, new place in life, and I didn’t have any of my old friends. It won’t be that easy here. I’m going to have to WORK now at having relationships like that again. Back home, we all grew up together. 11 years worth of school, sports, sleepovers, dances, crying, laughing, and jokes. That’s a long time! I’m not going to find that again for quite a while! But in the meantime, I can start actively working on making Portland my home. (Oh, by the way, since my mission trip is coming up, I have decided to stop with my no-identifiers rule, since I will be posting pictures of my trip and such!) I’d been working so hard in one area of my life (rebuilding my relationship with God) that I virtually ignored every other part. And boy, have I paid for that!

Speaking of relationships though, it brings me to a point that most people who know me bring up: boys! Well, as my readers know: I broke up with my soon-to-have-been fiancé in September of last year. It’s been hard looking on that relationship, and finding out things after-the-fact (like when he got a new girlfriend 2 months later, or that he had bought my engagement ring already). But God has been very gracious with me, and every time there was a down, he without fail provided something to be excited about or for my mind to be consumed with! And, much to my pleasure, I have decided to stop dating- and the best part? God must totally agree with this choice, because he sure has made sure there are absolutely no guys to be interested in! And if/when one does happen to come around, I’ve already had the awesome guys in my office offer to interview him and make sure I’m not picking another one of my “winners”, instead of the guy God has picked out for me! It’s a little scary, not going to lie, but I don’t think I’ve ever been happier about a decision than I am about this one!

Well, sorry to cut this one short folks, but the time has come for me to get on the road to my first Young Adults group with New Hope Church! Praying it goes well!

Loving Thoughts,

Girl With No Name

The Post With No Name...

Wow. Talk about a crazy 3 months! Time has blown by so fast, yet it feels like it was just the other week that what I thought was the whirlwind of my destruction, began. It’s amazing how much can change in 3 months though…. Three months ago, I was in a relationship, hoping to soon be engaged. Three months ago, I thought I was on the up and up with my relationship with God. Three months ago, everything was fine….

Now? Well, now I’ve been single for three months. Now, I’ve realized just how off base I was in my assumption that God was in control of my life. Now, everything is crazy. Or, it was… Until last Thursday.

See, once my relationship was over, God started testing me even more (which I seriously did not think was possible!). He started isolating me from friends and things I used to do. And in response to that, I isolated myself from my family. Those of you who have stuck with me from the creation of this blog know that I’ve experienced some pretty dark and difficult times in the past year, but I’m telling you now, that didn’t hold a candle to the past 3 months! There was a lot of hurt, sadness, anger, and even a little rebellion. I felt hurt, sad, and betrayed by my ex, especially when he got a new girlfriend. I was angry with God, although I never admit it to myself. I was angry that He would take away something that I loved so dearly, and then just leave me hanging there with a broken heart. I was angry that He gave me friends, and then took them away. And believe it or not, I was angry that He allowed me to rebel in the way I did. I was daring Him to stop me, but He never did. He let me wallow in my self-destruction. Then I got mad at myself. How could I have done that? Who am I to challenge God? Who am I to question the motives of the one being that has ALWAYS been there for me, who’s never let me down. I tried to make it right. I started shaping up. I started praying like crazy. But there was a disconnect, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I knew that God was testing me, and it was so frustrating because I knew that I was failing the test. I proclaimed that He had my life in whole, but I was still fighting for control. I wanted control over my relationships. I wanted to meet the REAL man I’m supposed to marry, and I wanted him NOW. But that’s not the way it works… Everything happens in God’s time for a reason…

I sent my mom an email. Well, more of a book really, explaining what I was going through, and begging for help. What she had to say was genius. Have you people ever heard of the Armor of God?? If not, you really need to hear what I have to say! Sure, it sounds a little silly; until you try it. It took me 3 days after I read her reply to actually try it out. And once I did, it was like a switch flipped, and suddenly there was light flooding into my life from every direction, drowning out the darkness that was consuming my heart and mind.

First off, this is a directive from the Bible that God gives us (so yes, you can check this out for yourself, I’m not just making this up!). We are supposed to do this everyday so we may be protected from the Enemy. Okay, so here we go: First, you’re to put on the Helmet of Salvation. This is to protect your head and your thoughts. Next, you have the Breastplate of Righteousness, which protects your heart and emotions (which I think is for when you fail to put on your Helmet. I mean, think about it, your heart and emotions go haywire when you think of things. If you have your Helmet on, you won’t be thinking of the things that make your heart go funky!) Then you have the Belt of Truth, to remind you that God is the Way, the Truth, and the Light, while Satan is a Liar, Deceiver, and Destroyer of everything good. Next, God asks us to pick up the Sword of the Spirit, which is used to then cut down the strongholds Satan already has in our life. Then you are to shod your feet with the Gospel of Peace, so that God may be the one to lead you throughout your day, and other’s may see God’s light in you. Last, but definitely not least, there is the Shield of Faith. This shield is used to protect you daily from the fiery darts of the enemy, because Satan is constantly trying to bring us down in anyway he can! It is seriously amazing how much a difference doing this every morning can make in your life!! I was having a bad day when I first decided to try this. Right after I was done praying, I felt better! No joke, it was just like a curtain was pulled off, and I was fine. And I’ve had days that weren’t so great since I started doing this, but they don’t effect me at all the way that they used to! I even put on the Armor again before going to sleep, because in the past I’d been having a lot of dreams about everything that was hurting me, and now, no more dreams!

The next amazing thing that has happened to me, happened just last Thursday. You know how I said earlier that I THOUGHT I’d given God control? Well, I really have now. And it’s awesome! See, at Bible study, the lady that created the study we are doing said that she prayed over this week, that at least one person’s walk with God could be changed for the rest of their life. I remember thinking, “Oh, that’s a nice thought… Doubt it could happen though.” HA! God sure took that challenge with a vengeance! He took my heart that night, and as I was watching that video, He made sure I could feel every little thing He was doing to me! I felt as my heart when from hard, to soft, to softer, to completely broken and crumbled. I almost had to leave the room… But then, slowly, the more she talked; I felt my heart start to come back together again. It was, stronger. The strangest feeling overcame me. I felt powerful, weak, emotional, and a calming peace all at the same time. In that moment, I felt like God was saying to me, “I can do all things, don’t test me like again…” It was completely amazing. I feel closer to God now than I have ever before. I feel like I actually have a RELATIONSHIP with Him! And I’m telling you, I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

And speaking of relationships, I know some of you are wondering about my romantic relationships, and where I’m going from here. Well, I’m at the point where I just don’t care about boys in that way (only by the Grace of God!). Right now, I’m concentrating on molding my life and who I am into what I need to be to fulfill God’s purpose for my life, to be what HE needs me to be. I’m concentrating on my life here in the church, and how I can improve and bring His Glory to this place in my own way. I’m concentrating on my upcoming mission trip to Uganda, something I’ve dreamed about doing for 5 years. I’m concentrating on God. I’ve always loved the saying “A woman’s heart should be so lost in God, that a man must seek Him in order to find her.” I’ve never felt such power to make that saying a reality for my life as I do now! Plus, another one of Mom’s genius sayings reminded me of this: I may not even be worthy of my husband right now, and he may not be worthy of me! I need to figure out who I am and what my purpose is, before trying to involve someone else in it! I need to be one whole person, and so does my husband! We can’t be two halves, searching for someone else to make us whole. We’d never be happy. There would be so much pain and hurt coming from that empty half that we never filled with GOD, that we just filled with the flesh of another human… an imperfect human being who will eventually let us down, hurt us. BUT, we have HOPE in GOD. If we are one whole person in God, then it doesn’t matter if our loved ones let us down, because we have God to pick us up! How awesome is that!? The one PERFECT being, who is all worthy, all powerful, and all knowing, HE is the one that wants to be there for us every time we fall. He wants to be there for EVERYTHING! He wants to be the one to kiss our booboos just like our moms did when we were younger to “make it all feel better”. And who better than God to be that person to kiss away our anxieties?? Amazing.

Loving Thoughts,

Girl With No Name

The Winds of Change...

I just realized today how much I have been ignoring this site. Which is funny, because I love writing, have plenty to write about, and am always feeling this desperate need to share my exploding mind with the world… So I find it odd that I have been avoiding this like the plague…

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that since about the beginning of last month, I’ve been ignoring everything…. I had to make a choice that hurt someone I loved, and in return I was the recipient of many hurtful words, thoughts, posts, and whatever else you can think of to let people know how you feel. I retreated into myself, and made outlets out of things that have never before been (or will now be) an interest. I pretended everything was the same, and that I was okay, when I really was crying myself to sleep most nights. It was so frustrating for me, because I knew I made the right choice. I did the right thing. I was doing what God told me to do. This past year, I made the vow that I would improve my relationship with God, whatever it took… And much to my heartache and sadness, it took my relationship with a man that I thought I was going to marry.

I wish that people would realize that I wasn’t trying to be hurtful, and that I wasn’t just “bored” or any of the other things people said about me…. I was doing what I felt God was pulling me to do. I felt like something was off, not right, and like I was a little suffocated. I didn’t feel like I was giving my all to God when in that relationship. I felt like something was holding me back. Not that he was purposefully doing anything to hinder my relationship with God, but we weren’t on the same page… We’re at different places and we experience our relationship with Him in very different ways.

I’ve been told over and over again by the people in my church that I have a servant’s heart. And while I don’t completely understand – or really even agree – with that statement, I can see what they are talking about. Since starting work at the church, I’ve been opened up to amazing opportunities! My schedule now allows everything that I’ve wanted to do since I moved here. I’m finding myself getting involved in every aspect of the church, and I love it! I need someone who loves this as much as I do. That just wants to be here and be involved, and not worry about what kind of time it’s going to take from other things… My life revolves around the church now. And it’s been amazing for my walk. Individuals that can influence me towards God, instead of away from Him, surround me. I spend about 90% of my time at the church, and I love it!

But at the same time, I’m terrified. I don’t like being single. I never realized (or maybe just never let surface from my self-conscience; Or it’s also possible that God knew I wasn’t ready to see that answer) as to exactly why I don’t like it. But last night, in talking with my sister, I realized why. Being in a relationship with someone, shows me that I can be/am wanted by someone that is not my family, or who don’t “have” to care about me. Growing up in a small town didn’t really help with this feeling either. In a place like that, you don’t totally have a choice of friends (and that sounds a lot harsher that it really is… If you are one of those people and your reading this, think about it. You really couldn’t be picky about who you were going to be around, otherwise there wouldn’t be anyone at all…). You grow up with everyone and form bonds out of necessity. Now, since I’m not really the kind of person that just hangs out with people to hang out, the people I was a friend with knew that I had their backs. If something was going on, I was right there to help out. I thought, and felt, that that feeling was mutual, until this summer when my closest friendship blew up in my face. That was when I truly realized that, while small towns are great, you couldn’t really be sure who people really were. Everyone has to protect him or herself and hide a little about who they are, because everyone knows everything else about you. Seeing that friendship crack and crumble, was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, and it breaks my heart to look at where we used to be, and where we are now… the last time I saw her, it wasn’t like best friends reuniting after a long time of not seeing each other. It felt more like two people who had met at a social gathering once, and happened to run into one another. It was awkward.

But, when you’re someone’s girlfriend, that’s a whole other ball game. You CHOOSE to date someone… you WANT to be around that person; to love them, hold them, and share experiences together. It’s a choice. And what I’m afraid of, are people (not a boyfriend) NOT making that choice with me… I’ve already seen that in some people, and it really sucks!

So right now I have to learn to just rely on God, and truly hand over my life, mind, body, and spirit to Him. It’s really difficult and very scary, but at the same time it’s quite humbling and I feel at peace with my latest revelation. Just this morning was when I told God that I am now wholly His, for Him to do whatever He may please. Again, scary, but I know that this is the right decision, and God is the one being that will never let me down. I know that this is going to be a really difficult transition for me, but I’m really hoping that being as involved in my church as I am, will be a great distraction, and not leave me with enough time to reminisce old broken feelings, and will leave me feeling whole, loved, needed, and appreciated. (PS, prayer is totally welcome!) J

Loving thoughts,

Girl With No Name

The Markers Of Life...

Today, something unbelievable happened. Okay, so not very unbelievable... I knew this day would come at some point! Today, I realized that on the 6th of this month last year, I moved to Portland. And oh so much has changed in this one short year... Today, I graduated college. It's a bit of a bittersweet moment for me... Here I am, only 19 and finished with all the schooling I have planned for my life. And it scares me. Living the life of a student, be it elementary school, middle school, high school, or college, is all I've ever known. And since 90% of my life has been in a small town, moving to a large city was rough...

The other week, I realized just how depressed I've been since moving here. (And don't get me wrong, there have been some amazing times here! But you know how it goes, the bad always seems to outweigh the good.) I decided to try this online test that psychiatrists give patients to determine their level of depression, and the higher the number, the higher the risk of you being clinically depressed. Well, I got a 100. I freaked. I was a total wreck. I called my insurance, figured out what kind of help I could get that was covered by them, and emailed mom about my results. Now here is the great thing about my mother: She is a truly wise woman. She pointed out to me all the things that have changed in my life in one year, and how for these last 12 months, I've been living the life of an adult as an 18 year old. Paying medical bills, dealing with work and school 24 hours, battling with my health, living away from everything I've ever known. And then she told me that she'd be more worried if I was totally fine with it all! Suddenly, none of it seemed like a big deal anymore.  It was like God just lifted all my worries off my shoulders and said, "Stop worrying hun, I got your back on this one."

So now I'm ready to start my first full time job, and I'm so excited! Insanely nervous, but happy! I will finally begin to have the life here that I wanted, but couldn't reach because there was always something in the way (like school). Ever since I moved here, it's been school in the day, and work at night. Now it's working in the day, and Awana, church choir, bible study, and junior high youth group at night, with weekends free to do what I want to do. And it's a job I'm going to LOVE. That's the biggest part about this whole transition: A job that I'm taking because I WANT to, not because I have to. (Well, okay yeah I do need a job... Gotta pay off those medical bills somehow!). I've always seen myself as a people person, but now I get to be a people person in a whole new way! Retail is taking it's toll on me, and after eating in a small town restaurant this weekend, I realized I don't think I could ever go back to waitressing! I'm ready for this new challenge. And what a challenge that will be! But with God at my side, I have faith that I will conquer.



Now, for those of you who have been following this blog from the start, you know I've had a pretty rough year. Relationship troubles (both romantic and non), problems with school, problems with work, problems with figuring out just who I am, and what I want to be. I've drowned myself in depression and at one point about gave up entirely and moved back home. But I've had some great moments too. I've fallen in love (real, honest to goodness love), and I know who I plan on marrying. I've graduated from college. I've strengthened my relationship with God, my parents, and my siblings. I've become way more involved in my church. I've become friends with some great and amazing people. All of these good things were goals I have set for myself. The only thing I didn't plan on was falling in love. Which also scared the crap out of me, but it's one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life. Being so sure, knowing without a doubt I've met my husband, and knowing that we're never going to let go of each other, it's amazing.

There have been a lot of hard lessons this year. The biggest of all of them was learning to let go. Having to realize that the place where I grew up is no longer my home. I still love that town, but there isn't anything there for me anymore. I realize this sounds harsh, but my future is here. That has been the biggest battle I've had so far. And the biggest part of that was letting go of my best friend. We grew so far apart so quickly that it killed me. Not talking to her, not seeing her, not sharing secrets or making new memories, it hurt. A lot. We finally had our first fight, after a little over four and a half years of friendship. I don't think it was really either one of our faults that it happened. We just went in different directions. Couldn't see eye to eye anymore. And to this girl: I love you with all my heart. You made high school an experience I will never forget. We got each other through a lot of heart ache, hurt, tears, laughs, and annoyances. I will always look back with very fond memories, and laugh at all the stupid things we did. Never lose your beautiful smile, and always stay strong. I'm here for you if you want me. Always a phone call or text away. And let me know if you ever find those hamburger chips! ; )

I feel like there is so much more to write, but it's getting late and this post is long enough... So, with that, have a fantastic morning/day/or night... Whichever it is when you read this. God bless.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

This one's for the Graduates....

Dear Class of Twenty Eleven-

I would just like to start off saying- though I'm not beside you in person, I'm there with you in heart, helping you celebrate this huge occasion.

This weekend is bringing so many great things: It brings to a close one vast chapter of your life, and it marks the beginning of a great adventure. In this adventure, you will face many challenges. You will forget homework assignments, fail tests, live off PB&J's and cup-of-soup, and even lose touch with best friends... But the great thing about all of life's roller coasters is the high; the part when you can life your hands off the safety bar and just enjoy the ride. You will meet new friends, explore new places, and create new memories.

You are stepping out into a brand new world, and oh the potential it holds for you! You're the adult now, you make the decisions. As difficult as it may be to see your future, don't fade away into your past. For the more you look at your past, the more LIFE passes you by. Look on high school with a fond heart, for it brought you here, to this day; but always wonder where you should move forward to.

Never hesitate to ask questions; questions of teachers, classmates, peers, family, or friends- you never know who may be holding the answer.

In hard times, just remember: There are many who love you and are wishing you the best; praying for your success.

And when you're down, never hesitate to call, but above all, never underestimate the power of prayer- for God knows your heart. He knows your joys as well as your sorrows, and will take the greatest of weights off your shoulders if you let Him.

So go forth, my friends. Be all you and be, and may God be with you every step of the way.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name