Motionless in Limbo....

I have to apologize. It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I could say that I've been insanely busy with school, work, and church (which is true), but I've also had enough time to continue indulging my not-so-healthy addiction to the TV show Bones (which is starting to take it's toll.... The past few nights I've had some fairly interesting dreams...). No, the truth is, I've been wanting to post... There's a lot that I want to talk about. But every time I sit down to start writing, or start thinking in my head about what I want to say, I go blank. Which is really quite ridiculous considering I'm writing about myself, not some weird history topic in which I have no idea what is going on... So it's been really frustrating me that I can't seem to write. With that said, I'm still going to give this a shot. And I apologize now if any of the topics I cover seem totally disconnected, random, and completely disheveled...

For those of you reading this that have been around me the past few weeks, it comes as no surprise that I've been fairly depressed. And until Saturday night, I honestly could not tell you why. Everything had been going pretty well in life. I'm doing great in school, finally have a job and I love the people I work with, still singing at church and involved in Awana. Yet outside of these activities, I couldn't drag myself out of my room except to eat and take a shower. I was cutting everyone out. My sister, my nephew, my friends. Everyone asked if I was okay, and my instant reply was "Yep! Doing great!". Apparently I'm not that great of a lier, according to some of the looks I received. But I couldn't explain what I was feeling. I didn't understand it. Well, I still don't really understand it. So it didn't make any sense to start involving other people in problems that I wasn't able to give explanations for. But that wasn't my only reasoning for not opening up to people...

See, I come from a VERY small town. The type of town where news travels fast. Like my junior year in high school; I was in a car wreck with my boyfriend the night before the big homecoming games, and I ended up in the hospital. The only people that knew I was going to the hospital were my parents and my best friend. The next day, I had people I barely even knew or spoke to calling to see if I was okay. EVERYONE knew what happened the night before. My point of the that story is this: If there is something going on in your life that you don't want the town knowing about, you keep it to yourself. It's hard knowing exactly who you can trust in places like that. The only person I told anything to, was my best friend, because we understood each other and knew what was okay to talk about with other people and what wasn't. But even she doesn't know ALL the problems I was having. Point is, after living in a place like that, you learn what is okay to talk about, and what's not. Personal problems? Not okay. Especially if you tell the wrong person. I know that this fear I have of letting people in is irrational for the group of people I'm involved with now, but habits are hard to break. It's hard to know who you can or can't trust. So, to my friends in my new home, please don't take it to heart if you can see I'm having a hard time and won't talk about it. I don't like displaying my emotions to others, and especially not in a group setting like bible study. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know, but you also have to understand, I've never had to TRY to get to know people. I grew up with all my friends back home. We already knew everything about each other, so all we had to worry about was what was going to come next....

But there is one last reason I have a hard time to open up to others. I know that there is a lot of heartache, a lot of pain, and a lot of frustration out there. I'm not naive. I know I'm not the only person dealing with problems. And for those reasons, when I know that you are going through pain to, and pain that I see as being more afflictive than mine (which will always be the case) I don't want to burden you with my issues. You have your own things going on, that you don't need to hear my sob story too. I love helping people, I love listening to what others are going through, and I love giving advice to those that open up to me. But I never see that door open in both directions, mostly because I won't let it be open to me. I'm a person that deals with her problems alone. I'm the girl that tries to put a smile on no matter the circumstance, and go about my day, but once it's time for bed, I'm the one that lays there wondering where it all started going wrong. I'm the girl that cries on her pillow until she either falls asleep or can't cry anymore. I'm a very sensitive, very emotional person. Sometimes that is a good thing, other times it sucks a LOT. But that's just who I am.

So I guess this post had a direction after all... It was my attempt at helping my new friends understand where I'm coming from as far as dealing with my problems. Okay. That didn't sound very eloquent, but I'm tired and currently can't think of another way to put it! So with that said, I bid you all a good night, and will see you next time....

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

It's 'Random Rant' Time....

Okay, so on occasion, I have times where I really need to vent. And this, is one of those times. Unfortunately, I also really need to sleep, so I'll try to make this fast.

First off, I really need someone to take a look at my forehead. Because I have a feeling that since I vowed I wasn't going to date anymore, it's been stamped on my head "I'm not going to date anyone, so NOW is the time to start talking to me again, and act like you HAVEN'T been ignoring me the past few (insert: weeks/months)!" in huge red block letters that only my ex boyfriends can see. GREAT! This has been fantastic (sarcasm). Suddenly a number of the guys from my past are deciding to talk to me again. Stirring up lots of lovely memories that I'd rather leave buried. Thanks for that.

Secondly: Don't get me wrong, I love the new people I'm meeting, and my church, and everything that goes with it. I love living with my sister and her family. I hate being in Portland. I do not adjust well to change. I have a very hard time trying to get to know new people, because that's something I've never had to do. I grew up with all my friends! We knew each other's history. All we had to worry about was the future! I miss my friends. But at the same time, I'm wondering how good of friends I really even was with anyone back home. Since moving away, I barely talk to anyone. I get to look at all the pictures on Facebook of all the friends I left behind having a great time, while I'm here; attempting to make something of myself, and scared that I'm failing horribly. Until just the other day, I barely even had contact with my best friend. I feel as though my whole life, where I grew up, was just temporary. That I was forgotten the moment I moved away and wasn't seen around the halls of the high school anymore. Just gone. Even though right now I'm in a better standing with God, I wish I could have my old life back; just with the knowledge I have now. Although I probably shouldn't admit this, I literally prayed last night that God would turn back the clock, give me one more chance. I don't like feeling like I was something temporary in someone's life. I don't like feeling as though I've been forgotten by the people I just spent the last 11 years of my life with. If I am forgotten by these people, what was the point of even being there in the first place?

I have so much more on my mind, but it's really quite difficult to type actual words when your looking at your screen through tears, and like I said at the beginning of tonight's entry, I really need to get some sleep.... Farewell all.

Girl With No Name

I'm waiting for you...

How come it is whenever I think I'm doing great, perfectly fine with my situation, it all goes down the drain again? If you've been following my blog, you know that I've been working on the romantic side of my life; working on being okay with the fact that I'm single with no boyfriend prospects. And I've been doing well with that... Until two nights ago.

The other night, I found out that my ex boyfriend from back home, whom I'd been in a very long relationship with, is now dating the girl that did not want us to get back together when we had a 3 month break, because she wanted to date him. She even successfully ruined my senior year homecoming, the one where I was nominated queen. Yup, the girl that I seriously despised is now the girlfriend of the guy I fell in love with two years ago, and then in turn had my heart ripped out and trampled on by. We didn't end on the best of terms. He became a totally different person than the guy I loved. Nonetheless, I can't help but feel hurt that he's with her now. The girl he never liked, but asked to a dance because he didn't want to go alone, is his new girlfriend.

More I think about this, the more I realize that all my ex boyfriends or 'flames' are moving on, and are quite happy in new relationships. It's so frustrating because being in a relationship is something I want so badly, but I know that is not God's plan for my life right now, and I don't want it for the right reasons. I miss being in a relationship because I miss having a guy to cuddle up with, go on drives with, to kiss, hold hands, hug, complain to. I miss the physical benefits of having a boyfriend. I've realized that I've never been in a relationship that honors God. I've never been with a guy who could build me up in God. Just the opposite, in fact.

I realize that I need to figure out who I am, what my purpose is, what it is that God wants me to do in my life, before I can start to share it with someone else. I also realize that I have to find a guy that is on the same level spiritually as me. He has to have God in his life first, and want a relationship second. As hard as this is for me, I know that staying out of a relationship is the best thing for me. It will make me cherish my next relationship so much more; and I know this, because with God's help, the next relationship I'm in, will be the one that lasts the rest of my life. I know that sounds intense, and it even kinda freaks me out, but I'm tired of pointless dating, being in meaningless relationships. I want my next one to be the real deal, and I know that if I rely on God, He will help me through the hard times, and He won't let me down. I'm waiting for my husband now. Wherever he is, I'm waiting.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

It's times like these....

Growing up is hard. All you ever heard about when you were little were all the bonuses to getting older. (And by older, I mean 21... everyone knows after that, the next big thing is Senior Discounts...). You get to drive, go to dances, date, party, move out, buy tobacco (gross...), and TWENTY ONE (no explanation needed!). What you don't hear about? Running out of money. Having to make your own doctor appointments (which is actually a lot scarier than it sounds! Who knew moms were so handy?!). Paying bills. Moving away from the only world you've ever known. Having to know your way around a new city when you're directionally challenged (such as I am). It's not very fun, this growing up stuff....

But amongst all that, I can't help but feel happy, overjoyed, and slightly overwhelmed at just how much God has blessed me. I get to live with my sister and her husband; watch my nephew and niece grow up and experience the world. I saw my niece laugh out loud for the first time of her life tonight. It was amazing! And now, my brother has moved into the house. I get a chance to actually get to know him, make a relationship with him, and HAVE my brother! I am so blessed.

Moving away from the place I grew up was insanely difficult for me. I'm a person that doesn't like change; and to go from a small, "Population: 500" town to a city with over 35,000; and the surrounding cities with equal or great amounts of people, was quite literally a culture shock! I had been a huge social butterfly back home. Now I feel like that girl in the movies that is the quirky yearbook photographer. Always taking pictures of people having fun, but never participating or being in the picture herself. But, this place is slowly becoming my own. I'm making amazing new friends who have the same desire as me to walk with the Lord, and who lift me up and want to see me succeed! I am so blessed.

In high school, saving money was never on the front of my mind. It seemed to go out of my bank account just as quickly as it went it; which I now think is kind of strange, considering I have nothing to show for it... Hmm. So when I started college, jobless, I was scared! I wasn't sure how I was supposed to survive! But, with the help of my parents and sister, and the savings bonds I accumulated over the years from my grandparents, I managed to keep my head above water until I landed a sales associate job for the winter season in the mall. But, after Christmas Eve, I was out of a job again! Until last week that is; when my oh-so-wonderful bible study leader and friend got me an interview with a jewelry store, and I got the job! Just in the nick of time too, I was about out of resources for getting myself to school everyday! I am so very blessed.

Last week, out of nowhere, my mouth started hurting badly. Hurt enough to distract me from anything I started doing, and I wanted to cry.... I thought at first it was from the massive amounts of soda I had drank that week, especially since it had been months since I drank pop, but when it didn't go away, I figured it was the tooth I had a root canal on last winter. I knew I needed to schedule an appointment with a dentist, but I was terrified! I didn't have the slightest clue how to even go about FINDING a dentist, let alone making an appointment! But, long story short, I did find one, and I LOVE him! He is awesome! After he found out I was in school for medical assisting, he started talking to me like an MA, and even gave me little tests on my knowledge of medical terminology! (Which I passed. Just saying...) I am SO blessed.

So, you've probably gotten the point by now.... There's a lot of cool things about growing up, and a lot of hard things too... But you have to remember, you can always find something good in the lowest of situations if you know how to look for them. All these hard experiences I'm going through now, are shaping me into the person I'm going to be for the rest of my life. It's just a matter of relying on God; which I'm more than happy to do.... He has a WAY better perspective of the whole situation than I do!

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

The Picture Goes Beyond The Frame....

Tonight has been an amazing revelation. At Bible study, we looked at 1 Corinthians chapter 13; the chapter on love. There were quite a few discussions, but I couldn't really concentrate on most of it, because there were a few things that really stuck out in my mind that I kept going over; I'm not doing enough. I don't mean this in a totally depressive, negative sort of way, either. I'm just simply not doing enough, and it's actually quite a nice realization, especially because God pointed out exactly where I need to pick up the pace. But the other realization I had tonight, that struck me almost to the point of crying (really the only thing that kept me together was that I was in a group.... I cried the whole way home), is that the picture I painted for myself, of why I moved here, is SO much greater than I ever imagined.

When moved here, it was all about me. How   I  was going to go to a good school, how  I  was going to mend my very broken relationship with God, how  I  was finally going to be attending the church of my dreams (literally). I know God has a purpose behind everything he does. I just assumed that His purpose with bringing me here was to fix me. WRONG.

A few weeks ago, my sister and I were getting groceries; and she told me that it was such a great thing that I was here, because it helps to keep her accountable in terms of keeping her attitude in check when the kids are bearing on her nerves, or how I can give her that little break by just playing with my nephew or consoling my baby niece. She told me that she thinks God knew she was going to need help, so He sent me here.

I've just recently started helping a young high school boy with a relationship that he's having trouble understanding. It's actually quite enjoyable for me, because I'd never really even spoken to him before, just seen him around church and at Awana, and he just started asking me one day about girls; so it was really quite nice that he trusted me to reveal his life in that way, asking for help and advice, without even knowing me. Maybe God knew he'd need someone to talk to, get advice from that understood where both he and the girl are come from?

There is one friendship that I have here that kind of evolved out of nowhere, but he has become a huge factor in my walk, and has helped me with so much, I don't even think he can comprehend how much of a blessing he's been in my life; to have a male presence that just accepts me for ME, and has no interest outside of just helping me grow in God and help me become the woman I'm supposed to be. But then I found out the other day, I have been just as much of a blessing for him as he's been for me, which I really can't fathom considering I don't feel like I've even done anything!

And all of this leads me to the latest revelation: my brother is moving into the house tomorrow with me, my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece (and no, that's not the revelation). I brought this up as a prayer request tonight at bible study, because the relationship between my brother and I has never really been the best, and I'm excited, but a bit apprehensive to see what this new addition brings. Anyway, while my study leader was praying about this, he said something that struck me to my core; which was (paraphrasing) I have the ability now to be a light for my brother and show him God's love and help him to walk in faith. Talk about a realization! Now, as true as this is, I can't help but feel that it's also not so true... I don't feel like I'm truly in a place where I can be a great light to someone else, especially not my own brother who will see me all the time. But then again, maybe that's what  I  need to keep me accountable, make sure I'm walking to the best of my ability in God's word.

Amongst my crying and praying on the drive home tonight, I realized how truly blessed I am. I have the opportunity to work in so many people's lives. I wasn't brought here just for me, and my relationship with God. I was brought here for so many other purposes; a few of which have been shown to me, but who knows how many other reasons there are, yet to be discovered.

I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me. I want to become a bigger part of the church. I don't want to just become comfortable in my Awana and worship team. I want to be pushed outside of my comfort zone, to try things I've never done before. I want to go on a mission to Uganda or Oxaca. I want people at work and at school to know I'm a Christian. I want them to see the difference in the way I live my life compared to the rest of the world. I want to be that light to draw other's into a walk with God. I want to live my life according to His will.

In order to do all that, one thing I need to work on (not just for those reasons, but for others as well) is just relying on Him, realizing I don't need the approval of society, peers at school, or a guy, to live the life I want. Boys have been a major issue for me. I've been blessed to not have to worry about being IN a relationship, but ever since I started dating, there has always been a guy there romantically in my life, whether we are in a relationship or not. Right now, it's really hard because the guy I've been talking to is one that I haven't quite been able to get over. We never actually dated, but we had an intimate relationship. Conversation between us died shortly after he decided he wanted nothing to do with me. We'd talk a few times, but it seemed as though he were just talking to be nice... Anyway, he just got out of a relationship that ended badly, hurting him a lot. We began talking again shortly after, and although I enjoy talking to him, I'm also hurt by it, because I know the only reason he's talking to me now is because he's looking for a rebound. Someone to get him over his ex. And I was readily there for him. But tonight, I've had enough. I deserve more than that. I don't want a guy romantically in my life anymore. God is preparing a man for me, the perfect man for me; He's molding him and creating him into the man he's supposed to be, just like He's molding me. I want to wait for my husband. I'm tired of the broken hearts and letdowns. I'm going to wait on God. Rely on God. And live and do whatever it is He has in store for me right now. I've never been more excited about life!


Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

What to do, what to do??

The past few weeks have been an extreme emotional roller coaster for me. Between being broke with no job (and no job in the foreseeable future), bad news coming from back home, stresses from starting a new section at school, Valentines Day (no explanation needed), and my mouth KILLING me; things are starting to let up- a little.

The good news: I'm the newest sales associate at Something Silver! Some progress has been made in terms of the bad news from home, Valentines Day is a distant memory, and I had a root canal on a very infected tooth (that had grown an abscess, joy of all joys) and it's feeling MUCH better! Also, that section in class is now over, starting Urinary on Monday! (Sounds about as exciting as it really is....)

But there's one thing that's still bothering me. I keep having this itching feeling that I've just spent over $13,000 on schooling that I'm terrified to finish. Don't get me wrong; I love learning about all of this! I like understanding what my doctor is talking about, without him having to explain in layman's terms. I like knowing what all the people in my favorite medical shows are talking about. I like practicing everything in school! But I'm terrified of applying it in real life. In school, it's all a stimulation. The variables are controlled. The patients aren't real. The conditions aren't real. Therefore, the stakes aren't high. But on externship, or when I actually START my career, it's all very real. Someone is putting their trust in me to figure out what's wrong with them. To treat them. That scares the crap out of me. I love the medical field. But I'm slowly starting to realize that I may not be cut out for this.....

And the more I realize this, the more criminal justice speaks out to me. I've always been obsessed with puzzles, and crime. Ask any one of my friends from high school. Back then, whenever we had to do a presentation, ALL of mine were on crime. It's one thing that drove an ex-boyfriend crazy. He said I was way into depressing subjects. But I can't help it, it simply fascinates me! As weird as that sounds.... My heart is starting to move less from medical assisting, and more into crime scene investigation. Working in a lab. Figuring out the puzzle. Catching the bad guys.

But as I said earlier, there's been a lot of money put into the program I'm doing right now. I'll finish it. Stick it out through the externship. Suck it up and hope I don't mess up someone's life in the process.... But that doesn't mean I can't look into schools for criminal justice in the mean time......

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

It's in the lyrics....

Today in church, my pastor had a very good point that really hit home with me... He said (and I'm pretty much paraphrasing this, fyi), "God has unmeasurable power. BUT, you can't use the full extent of that power when your keeping bits and pieces of your life away from Him- keeping it private." How true of a statement is that!? We can't expect God to help us work on things that we won't hand up to Him.

So, I said this comment really hit home for me, and this is how: For the past 3 years or so, I've been struggling with my relationship with God. But there was one area that was a huge part of that struggle, and that area was my music. I'm a person that LOVES a good beat, something that's easy to dance or sing to. The problem was, the music that I listened to, was not something that I'd want my pastor to see on my iPod.... There were a few times I'd delete all the crappy music I had, only to gain it back later when I was in a bad mood and wanted my "good music" back.

But, I vowed that when I moved into my sister's house, I was going to change my life. I don't want to be the same person I was in high school. And I've been doing pretty good with that.... But, music has still been an issue. Today though, it was like God sent a jolt through me when my pastor was talking about keeping parts of ourselves private from Him. I knew that was a sign, that something needed to change, NOW. So, I've spent the last 3 hours going through my iPod, deleting first all the music I knew I shouldn't have, followed by all the song I wasn't totally sure about, then finally just the stuff that I've never actually listened to (that friends randomly put on). I deleted over 400 songs. And believe me, it was HARD. Eminem was the guy I turned to when I was angry or was just in the mood for rap. I loved Ke$ha, P!nk, Pitbull, all the rappers, I loved it all. But I love God more. I cherish my relationship with God more than my crappy music. After all, it was Him that got me through the hard times; the money problems, job hunts, school issues, family problems, broken hearts, hurt relationships. He never left me unsatisfied, empty. Like the end of a song. This has been by far one of the hardest things I've done with trying to become a better Christian, but I feel so much better knowing I can't blatantly turn away from Him in defiance for music.

This is definitely going to be a work in progress for me. I know there will be a lot of temptation to listen to my old music again. But I'm going to do my best to stay away from it, and I know with God's help, there's nothing I can't do.... If you have any suggestions for clean music for me to look into, it's much appreciated!

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name