The Markers Of Life...

Today, something unbelievable happened. Okay, so not very unbelievable... I knew this day would come at some point! Today, I realized that on the 6th of this month last year, I moved to Portland. And oh so much has changed in this one short year... Today, I graduated college. It's a bit of a bittersweet moment for me... Here I am, only 19 and finished with all the schooling I have planned for my life. And it scares me. Living the life of a student, be it elementary school, middle school, high school, or college, is all I've ever known. And since 90% of my life has been in a small town, moving to a large city was rough...

The other week, I realized just how depressed I've been since moving here. (And don't get me wrong, there have been some amazing times here! But you know how it goes, the bad always seems to outweigh the good.) I decided to try this online test that psychiatrists give patients to determine their level of depression, and the higher the number, the higher the risk of you being clinically depressed. Well, I got a 100. I freaked. I was a total wreck. I called my insurance, figured out what kind of help I could get that was covered by them, and emailed mom about my results. Now here is the great thing about my mother: She is a truly wise woman. She pointed out to me all the things that have changed in my life in one year, and how for these last 12 months, I've been living the life of an adult as an 18 year old. Paying medical bills, dealing with work and school 24 hours, battling with my health, living away from everything I've ever known. And then she told me that she'd be more worried if I was totally fine with it all! Suddenly, none of it seemed like a big deal anymore.  It was like God just lifted all my worries off my shoulders and said, "Stop worrying hun, I got your back on this one."

So now I'm ready to start my first full time job, and I'm so excited! Insanely nervous, but happy! I will finally begin to have the life here that I wanted, but couldn't reach because there was always something in the way (like school). Ever since I moved here, it's been school in the day, and work at night. Now it's working in the day, and Awana, church choir, bible study, and junior high youth group at night, with weekends free to do what I want to do. And it's a job I'm going to LOVE. That's the biggest part about this whole transition: A job that I'm taking because I WANT to, not because I have to. (Well, okay yeah I do need a job... Gotta pay off those medical bills somehow!). I've always seen myself as a people person, but now I get to be a people person in a whole new way! Retail is taking it's toll on me, and after eating in a small town restaurant this weekend, I realized I don't think I could ever go back to waitressing! I'm ready for this new challenge. And what a challenge that will be! But with God at my side, I have faith that I will conquer.



Now, for those of you who have been following this blog from the start, you know I've had a pretty rough year. Relationship troubles (both romantic and non), problems with school, problems with work, problems with figuring out just who I am, and what I want to be. I've drowned myself in depression and at one point about gave up entirely and moved back home. But I've had some great moments too. I've fallen in love (real, honest to goodness love), and I know who I plan on marrying. I've graduated from college. I've strengthened my relationship with God, my parents, and my siblings. I've become way more involved in my church. I've become friends with some great and amazing people. All of these good things were goals I have set for myself. The only thing I didn't plan on was falling in love. Which also scared the crap out of me, but it's one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life. Being so sure, knowing without a doubt I've met my husband, and knowing that we're never going to let go of each other, it's amazing.

There have been a lot of hard lessons this year. The biggest of all of them was learning to let go. Having to realize that the place where I grew up is no longer my home. I still love that town, but there isn't anything there for me anymore. I realize this sounds harsh, but my future is here. That has been the biggest battle I've had so far. And the biggest part of that was letting go of my best friend. We grew so far apart so quickly that it killed me. Not talking to her, not seeing her, not sharing secrets or making new memories, it hurt. A lot. We finally had our first fight, after a little over four and a half years of friendship. I don't think it was really either one of our faults that it happened. We just went in different directions. Couldn't see eye to eye anymore. And to this girl: I love you with all my heart. You made high school an experience I will never forget. We got each other through a lot of heart ache, hurt, tears, laughs, and annoyances. I will always look back with very fond memories, and laugh at all the stupid things we did. Never lose your beautiful smile, and always stay strong. I'm here for you if you want me. Always a phone call or text away. And let me know if you ever find those hamburger chips! ; )

I feel like there is so much more to write, but it's getting late and this post is long enough... So, with that, have a fantastic morning/day/or night... Whichever it is when you read this. God bless.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name