A Little About Me.....

I'm not quite sure why, but I have the urge tonight to just tell you folks a bit about myself. It may have something to do with the fact that some very lovely rumors have started spreading about me in my hometown, but I can't be sure, because I've had this idea for a while now.... So here we go! (And these go in no particular order...)

1. Strong willed Christian. I still have a long journey ahead, but I have God the whole way!
2. I'm a country girl, through and through. I'm surviving pretty well in the city, but my heart will always lay with the mountains and rivers!
3. I have a very hot temper, and I'm pretty pig headed at times about protecting my views. But I DO know when to back down, and I DO know when I'm wrong. I'm not afraid to admit it.
4. I'm a very sensitive person. My feelings get hurt very easily. But, I don't like to show it. If you can SEE something is wrong with me, then something is REALLY wrong.
5. I tend to take things very seriously, and it drives me nuts when others don't...
6. I like to do a lot of different things, and because of that, I'm not exceptionally great at anything... I severely want to find something to be passionate about doing, and I want to make a difference with it.
7. I'm really analytical, therefore I find it impossible to make estimate guesses about ANYTHING, because in my mind, there are just too many variables.
8. I don't particularly like change, unless it comes slowly and I am able to plan it out.
9. I don't like there to be surprises where there shouldn't be... Like at work, it's hard for me to enjoy my day, because I don't know what to expect. I like having a set routine, to know what to expect, and be able to make plans.
10. I'm a list writer. I write lists for EVERYTHING. It helps me feel more in control.
11. When I'm trying something new, I generally get it after the first few tries, but I'm often scared that I'm going to forget or I'm going to come across something I don't know the answer to, so I'll tell whoever is teaching me that I still don't get it, even if I know darn well I can do it.
12. For me, trust in another person is generally instantly there to varying degrees, but it's VERY easy for me to lose that trust...
13. I tend to harshly judge myself according to what I believe other's are thinking about me.
14. I like to have my 'alone time', but I don't like not having the option to be with other people. I don't think I would ever be able to live by myself because of that...
15. I'm in love with Mini Coopers.
16. I dream to travel the world, especially to Italy, Ireland, and Germany.
17. I HATE spiders.... Absolutely cannot stand them!
18. I love eating anything that is minty. Mint ice cream, mint chocolate, mint cake, mint whatever!
19. I'm almost grossly fascinated with crime. I love crime shows and researching true crime. If the medical field doesn't work out for me, I want to go to school to be a Crime Scene Investigator or work in a police lab, or who knows, maybe even go into the FBI...
20. I love to help people. I always want to be in a career where the main goal is to serve others.
21. I feel very mature for my age. Which seems a bit odd to me. There was never any experience in my childhood that MADE me grow up faster than I should have, but at the same time, I feel as though I did....
22. When I get married, I want to live on a ranch. I want to have horses and cows and dogs, maybe even a few cats! I want my kids to experience the side of country living that I didn't get to have when I was a child.
23. I've never gone hunting. I really really want to though!! I think big game hunting would be lots of fun!
24. I want to make a difference in the world; to really make a name for myself. My biggest fear is of living the one life I have, and then being forgotten once I'm past. I want to do something that makes my family proud, that will make my kids proud, and most of all, God proud.
25. I'm not afraid of pain, or of dying for that matter. I know where I'm going when I die, and it's a far better place than here! And I know that any pain I endure, is only temporary, and that whatever pain I do go through, God has a reason for. So bring it on!!
26. Kind of morbid, but I've always had a feeling that I would get cancer, or die in some unconventional way, or at a really young age... Weird, I know, but again, I'm not afraid of whatever is going to happen!
27. I hate disappointing people or having people upset with me. It bugs me when people don't like me. I'm definitely a people-pleaser, but I don't go out of my way to get other's approval. If they don't like me for who I am, then I guess we'll both just have to live with it!
28. I'm a definitely my daddy's daughter; No one messes with my family or friends, or they will find out just how much of a temper runs in my blood. I protect my own.
29. I'm pro life. I do not believe there is ever a circumstance where it is okay to kill a living baby, just because it isn't born yet. I even almost failed my english class (my best subject) my sophomore year because I refused to write the pro-choice debate my teacher assigned me.
30. I cannot stand it when people write like they are idiots. There is a reason we all go to school and take spelling classes and writing classes! USE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT'S GIVEN TO YOU!
31. I blog because it makes me feel accountable for what I say. Like, once it's out on the internet, where everyone can see, I can't take it back. I can't go back on what I said. Knowing that all of you read this, it helps me to keep myself in line.

So, that's by no means everything to know about me, but it's a start... Maybe in a few months or years, I'll write another one. :)

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

On the Drive Home...

I love the 20 minute drive I have when I come home from school. It's my time to just relax (well, depending on traffic conditions...), rock out to my favorite music, or talk with God. Today, I talked with God. And in return, He gave me the biggest epiphany of my life.

So, all of you know that I'm working on my romantic life. It's been the biggest battle for me since moving here, and has been the topic of most of my posts. Well, sorry but here's another one! But this one is QUITE different from the others.... See, there's this guy. I like him, a LOT. I didn't even know that I liked him until this last weekend, buuuuuuut I do. He's cute, smart, fun to be with, loves being with his family, loves the country, and most importantly, is a Christian. And I'm scared to death. Or, at least I was until about half an hour ago....

So lets start from the beginning. Once I started dating in high school, I pretty much never stopped. I had my first real boyfriend at the beginning of my sophomore year. Between then and my senior year, I can honestly say that I was not single for more than about 5 or 6 months. Yeahhhh.... That's not a long time... I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. That's just the way I was (or so I thought, until half an hour ago)... I was happy with the way I was doing things back then. I was always a happy, energetic, talkative girl that got into anything in our school and community that I could get my hands on. So when I moved here, I thought that the reason I was getting so depressed was because I didn't have my schedule full all the time, because I didn't have my friends, and I was just in a new place and had no idea what was going on! But even when I started getting to know people, when I started having things to do almost every night of the week, and when I just had a lot going on, I was still getting depressed. I was pushing everyone, friends and family, away. Well, a few weeks ago my sister and I discovered a lot of the reason why I've been on a swinging roller coaster of happiness and depression ever since I got here. Back home when I was working, going to school, playing sports, hanging out with my friends, competing in FFA, I had a boyfriend through all of it. And when I didn't have a boyfriend, I was flirting with the guy I ended up dating next. It sounds really horrible, I know. I didn't realize just how bad that all looked until I took a step back at thought about who I used to be, and what I used to do. It kinda makes me sick now, just thinking about it. I thought that I had given my heart away to one of my ex boyfriends, and he had broken it. But what I realized in the car today, was that I have never given my heart away. I have never been in love. I THOUGHT I was in love with him, but after taken a hard look into my past, I've come to the hard realization that what I loved, was the attention. How I felt when I had a boyfriend who was holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me; THAT is what I loved. I realized that this guy I thought I loved, I actually didn't like very much. I didn't like his sense of humor, I didn't like the way he treated people, I HATED the way he acted toward my best friend, and I didn't like that he was Mormon. I realized that about the only thing I DID like about him was that he was part of a big, close knit family, and I thought he was attractive. I know bad all this sounds, I really do. But I can't ignore it, especially because it helps me realize what I need to do with my next relationship. All my past relationships were about me, and the benefit I got out of them. I liked those guys because they gave me the attention I desired. My relationships weren't about me liking the guy, wanting to get to know him on a personal level besides what we saw at school and sports trips, and they certainly weren't about God in any way. That's never going to happen again.

I realize that if I'm going to date this guy that I like now, it has to be intentional. There has to be boundaries. In the past, my only boundary was that I would not have sex. I realize now that that is not enough. It's time to step it up. I need to have a relationship where the attention factor is null. I need a relationship that is about getting to know each other and growing and building each other up in God. I really hope this can be the case with the guy I'm interested. I hope that what he says to me, about him agreeing with me, isn't just talk like it was with the last guy I almost dated. And I have to say, I'm VERY relieved and feel quite blessed that God did not let me pursue that relationship. I know what I want now. I even have an idea of how to obtain it; this relationship on a PERSONAL level, not a physical level, with the God and the man I like. It's going to be difficult for me, but I have family and God on my side to keep me accountable, along with this guy. And if the guy can't help me be accountable, then he isn't the one for me.

I ask that those of you who pray, please keep me and this relationship in your prayers. It's going to take a lot of work, but if he is as serious as I am, it will be worth it.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name