I'm waiting for you...

How come it is whenever I think I'm doing great, perfectly fine with my situation, it all goes down the drain again? If you've been following my blog, you know that I've been working on the romantic side of my life; working on being okay with the fact that I'm single with no boyfriend prospects. And I've been doing well with that... Until two nights ago.

The other night, I found out that my ex boyfriend from back home, whom I'd been in a very long relationship with, is now dating the girl that did not want us to get back together when we had a 3 month break, because she wanted to date him. She even successfully ruined my senior year homecoming, the one where I was nominated queen. Yup, the girl that I seriously despised is now the girlfriend of the guy I fell in love with two years ago, and then in turn had my heart ripped out and trampled on by. We didn't end on the best of terms. He became a totally different person than the guy I loved. Nonetheless, I can't help but feel hurt that he's with her now. The girl he never liked, but asked to a dance because he didn't want to go alone, is his new girlfriend.

More I think about this, the more I realize that all my ex boyfriends or 'flames' are moving on, and are quite happy in new relationships. It's so frustrating because being in a relationship is something I want so badly, but I know that is not God's plan for my life right now, and I don't want it for the right reasons. I miss being in a relationship because I miss having a guy to cuddle up with, go on drives with, to kiss, hold hands, hug, complain to. I miss the physical benefits of having a boyfriend. I've realized that I've never been in a relationship that honors God. I've never been with a guy who could build me up in God. Just the opposite, in fact.

I realize that I need to figure out who I am, what my purpose is, what it is that God wants me to do in my life, before I can start to share it with someone else. I also realize that I have to find a guy that is on the same level spiritually as me. He has to have God in his life first, and want a relationship second. As hard as this is for me, I know that staying out of a relationship is the best thing for me. It will make me cherish my next relationship so much more; and I know this, because with God's help, the next relationship I'm in, will be the one that lasts the rest of my life. I know that sounds intense, and it even kinda freaks me out, but I'm tired of pointless dating, being in meaningless relationships. I want my next one to be the real deal, and I know that if I rely on God, He will help me through the hard times, and He won't let me down. I'm waiting for my husband now. Wherever he is, I'm waiting.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

It's times like these....

Growing up is hard. All you ever heard about when you were little were all the bonuses to getting older. (And by older, I mean 21... everyone knows after that, the next big thing is Senior Discounts...). You get to drive, go to dances, date, party, move out, buy tobacco (gross...), and TWENTY ONE (no explanation needed!). What you don't hear about? Running out of money. Having to make your own doctor appointments (which is actually a lot scarier than it sounds! Who knew moms were so handy?!). Paying bills. Moving away from the only world you've ever known. Having to know your way around a new city when you're directionally challenged (such as I am). It's not very fun, this growing up stuff....

But amongst all that, I can't help but feel happy, overjoyed, and slightly overwhelmed at just how much God has blessed me. I get to live with my sister and her husband; watch my nephew and niece grow up and experience the world. I saw my niece laugh out loud for the first time of her life tonight. It was amazing! And now, my brother has moved into the house. I get a chance to actually get to know him, make a relationship with him, and HAVE my brother! I am so blessed.

Moving away from the place I grew up was insanely difficult for me. I'm a person that doesn't like change; and to go from a small, "Population: 500" town to a city with over 35,000; and the surrounding cities with equal or great amounts of people, was quite literally a culture shock! I had been a huge social butterfly back home. Now I feel like that girl in the movies that is the quirky yearbook photographer. Always taking pictures of people having fun, but never participating or being in the picture herself. But, this place is slowly becoming my own. I'm making amazing new friends who have the same desire as me to walk with the Lord, and who lift me up and want to see me succeed! I am so blessed.

In high school, saving money was never on the front of my mind. It seemed to go out of my bank account just as quickly as it went it; which I now think is kind of strange, considering I have nothing to show for it... Hmm. So when I started college, jobless, I was scared! I wasn't sure how I was supposed to survive! But, with the help of my parents and sister, and the savings bonds I accumulated over the years from my grandparents, I managed to keep my head above water until I landed a sales associate job for the winter season in the mall. But, after Christmas Eve, I was out of a job again! Until last week that is; when my oh-so-wonderful bible study leader and friend got me an interview with a jewelry store, and I got the job! Just in the nick of time too, I was about out of resources for getting myself to school everyday! I am so very blessed.

Last week, out of nowhere, my mouth started hurting badly. Hurt enough to distract me from anything I started doing, and I wanted to cry.... I thought at first it was from the massive amounts of soda I had drank that week, especially since it had been months since I drank pop, but when it didn't go away, I figured it was the tooth I had a root canal on last winter. I knew I needed to schedule an appointment with a dentist, but I was terrified! I didn't have the slightest clue how to even go about FINDING a dentist, let alone making an appointment! But, long story short, I did find one, and I LOVE him! He is awesome! After he found out I was in school for medical assisting, he started talking to me like an MA, and even gave me little tests on my knowledge of medical terminology! (Which I passed. Just saying...) I am SO blessed.

So, you've probably gotten the point by now.... There's a lot of cool things about growing up, and a lot of hard things too... But you have to remember, you can always find something good in the lowest of situations if you know how to look for them. All these hard experiences I'm going through now, are shaping me into the person I'm going to be for the rest of my life. It's just a matter of relying on God; which I'm more than happy to do.... He has a WAY better perspective of the whole situation than I do!

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

The Picture Goes Beyond The Frame....

Tonight has been an amazing revelation. At Bible study, we looked at 1 Corinthians chapter 13; the chapter on love. There were quite a few discussions, but I couldn't really concentrate on most of it, because there were a few things that really stuck out in my mind that I kept going over; I'm not doing enough. I don't mean this in a totally depressive, negative sort of way, either. I'm just simply not doing enough, and it's actually quite a nice realization, especially because God pointed out exactly where I need to pick up the pace. But the other realization I had tonight, that struck me almost to the point of crying (really the only thing that kept me together was that I was in a group.... I cried the whole way home), is that the picture I painted for myself, of why I moved here, is SO much greater than I ever imagined.

When moved here, it was all about me. How   I  was going to go to a good school, how  I  was going to mend my very broken relationship with God, how  I  was finally going to be attending the church of my dreams (literally). I know God has a purpose behind everything he does. I just assumed that His purpose with bringing me here was to fix me. WRONG.

A few weeks ago, my sister and I were getting groceries; and she told me that it was such a great thing that I was here, because it helps to keep her accountable in terms of keeping her attitude in check when the kids are bearing on her nerves, or how I can give her that little break by just playing with my nephew or consoling my baby niece. She told me that she thinks God knew she was going to need help, so He sent me here.

I've just recently started helping a young high school boy with a relationship that he's having trouble understanding. It's actually quite enjoyable for me, because I'd never really even spoken to him before, just seen him around church and at Awana, and he just started asking me one day about girls; so it was really quite nice that he trusted me to reveal his life in that way, asking for help and advice, without even knowing me. Maybe God knew he'd need someone to talk to, get advice from that understood where both he and the girl are come from?

There is one friendship that I have here that kind of evolved out of nowhere, but he has become a huge factor in my walk, and has helped me with so much, I don't even think he can comprehend how much of a blessing he's been in my life; to have a male presence that just accepts me for ME, and has no interest outside of just helping me grow in God and help me become the woman I'm supposed to be. But then I found out the other day, I have been just as much of a blessing for him as he's been for me, which I really can't fathom considering I don't feel like I've even done anything!

And all of this leads me to the latest revelation: my brother is moving into the house tomorrow with me, my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece (and no, that's not the revelation). I brought this up as a prayer request tonight at bible study, because the relationship between my brother and I has never really been the best, and I'm excited, but a bit apprehensive to see what this new addition brings. Anyway, while my study leader was praying about this, he said something that struck me to my core; which was (paraphrasing) I have the ability now to be a light for my brother and show him God's love and help him to walk in faith. Talk about a realization! Now, as true as this is, I can't help but feel that it's also not so true... I don't feel like I'm truly in a place where I can be a great light to someone else, especially not my own brother who will see me all the time. But then again, maybe that's what  I  need to keep me accountable, make sure I'm walking to the best of my ability in God's word.

Amongst my crying and praying on the drive home tonight, I realized how truly blessed I am. I have the opportunity to work in so many people's lives. I wasn't brought here just for me, and my relationship with God. I was brought here for so many other purposes; a few of which have been shown to me, but who knows how many other reasons there are, yet to be discovered.

I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me. I want to become a bigger part of the church. I don't want to just become comfortable in my Awana and worship team. I want to be pushed outside of my comfort zone, to try things I've never done before. I want to go on a mission to Uganda or Oxaca. I want people at work and at school to know I'm a Christian. I want them to see the difference in the way I live my life compared to the rest of the world. I want to be that light to draw other's into a walk with God. I want to live my life according to His will.

In order to do all that, one thing I need to work on (not just for those reasons, but for others as well) is just relying on Him, realizing I don't need the approval of society, peers at school, or a guy, to live the life I want. Boys have been a major issue for me. I've been blessed to not have to worry about being IN a relationship, but ever since I started dating, there has always been a guy there romantically in my life, whether we are in a relationship or not. Right now, it's really hard because the guy I've been talking to is one that I haven't quite been able to get over. We never actually dated, but we had an intimate relationship. Conversation between us died shortly after he decided he wanted nothing to do with me. We'd talk a few times, but it seemed as though he were just talking to be nice... Anyway, he just got out of a relationship that ended badly, hurting him a lot. We began talking again shortly after, and although I enjoy talking to him, I'm also hurt by it, because I know the only reason he's talking to me now is because he's looking for a rebound. Someone to get him over his ex. And I was readily there for him. But tonight, I've had enough. I deserve more than that. I don't want a guy romantically in my life anymore. God is preparing a man for me, the perfect man for me; He's molding him and creating him into the man he's supposed to be, just like He's molding me. I want to wait for my husband. I'm tired of the broken hearts and letdowns. I'm going to wait on God. Rely on God. And live and do whatever it is He has in store for me right now. I've never been more excited about life!


Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

What to do, what to do??

The past few weeks have been an extreme emotional roller coaster for me. Between being broke with no job (and no job in the foreseeable future), bad news coming from back home, stresses from starting a new section at school, Valentines Day (no explanation needed), and my mouth KILLING me; things are starting to let up- a little.

The good news: I'm the newest sales associate at Something Silver! Some progress has been made in terms of the bad news from home, Valentines Day is a distant memory, and I had a root canal on a very infected tooth (that had grown an abscess, joy of all joys) and it's feeling MUCH better! Also, that section in class is now over, starting Urinary on Monday! (Sounds about as exciting as it really is....)

But there's one thing that's still bothering me. I keep having this itching feeling that I've just spent over $13,000 on schooling that I'm terrified to finish. Don't get me wrong; I love learning about all of this! I like understanding what my doctor is talking about, without him having to explain in layman's terms. I like knowing what all the people in my favorite medical shows are talking about. I like practicing everything in school! But I'm terrified of applying it in real life. In school, it's all a stimulation. The variables are controlled. The patients aren't real. The conditions aren't real. Therefore, the stakes aren't high. But on externship, or when I actually START my career, it's all very real. Someone is putting their trust in me to figure out what's wrong with them. To treat them. That scares the crap out of me. I love the medical field. But I'm slowly starting to realize that I may not be cut out for this.....

And the more I realize this, the more criminal justice speaks out to me. I've always been obsessed with puzzles, and crime. Ask any one of my friends from high school. Back then, whenever we had to do a presentation, ALL of mine were on crime. It's one thing that drove an ex-boyfriend crazy. He said I was way into depressing subjects. But I can't help it, it simply fascinates me! As weird as that sounds.... My heart is starting to move less from medical assisting, and more into crime scene investigation. Working in a lab. Figuring out the puzzle. Catching the bad guys.

But as I said earlier, there's been a lot of money put into the program I'm doing right now. I'll finish it. Stick it out through the externship. Suck it up and hope I don't mess up someone's life in the process.... But that doesn't mean I can't look into schools for criminal justice in the mean time......

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

It's in the lyrics....

Today in church, my pastor had a very good point that really hit home with me... He said (and I'm pretty much paraphrasing this, fyi), "God has unmeasurable power. BUT, you can't use the full extent of that power when your keeping bits and pieces of your life away from Him- keeping it private." How true of a statement is that!? We can't expect God to help us work on things that we won't hand up to Him.

So, I said this comment really hit home for me, and this is how: For the past 3 years or so, I've been struggling with my relationship with God. But there was one area that was a huge part of that struggle, and that area was my music. I'm a person that LOVES a good beat, something that's easy to dance or sing to. The problem was, the music that I listened to, was not something that I'd want my pastor to see on my iPod.... There were a few times I'd delete all the crappy music I had, only to gain it back later when I was in a bad mood and wanted my "good music" back.

But, I vowed that when I moved into my sister's house, I was going to change my life. I don't want to be the same person I was in high school. And I've been doing pretty good with that.... But, music has still been an issue. Today though, it was like God sent a jolt through me when my pastor was talking about keeping parts of ourselves private from Him. I knew that was a sign, that something needed to change, NOW. So, I've spent the last 3 hours going through my iPod, deleting first all the music I knew I shouldn't have, followed by all the song I wasn't totally sure about, then finally just the stuff that I've never actually listened to (that friends randomly put on). I deleted over 400 songs. And believe me, it was HARD. Eminem was the guy I turned to when I was angry or was just in the mood for rap. I loved Ke$ha, P!nk, Pitbull, all the rappers, I loved it all. But I love God more. I cherish my relationship with God more than my crappy music. After all, it was Him that got me through the hard times; the money problems, job hunts, school issues, family problems, broken hearts, hurt relationships. He never left me unsatisfied, empty. Like the end of a song. This has been by far one of the hardest things I've done with trying to become a better Christian, but I feel so much better knowing I can't blatantly turn away from Him in defiance for music.

This is definitely going to be a work in progress for me. I know there will be a lot of temptation to listen to my old music again. But I'm going to do my best to stay away from it, and I know with God's help, there's nothing I can't do.... If you have any suggestions for clean music for me to look into, it's much appreciated!

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

Viewer Discretion Advised...

So, the past few days I have been on a major eating spree. I have no idea what's been going on! For the past 5 months or so, my stomach has been quite small, and I haven't been able to eat a whole lot. But suddenly on Wednesday, I couldn't keep my head out of the cupboards! I've been eating ever since!

But I've discovered a trick that makes me not want to eat... Medical videos! It started yesterday when we watched a vasectomy in class (Definitely about lost it.....the one time I feel bad for guys.) Anyway, today I haven't been able to stop eating yet again. Only problem: I have no idea what I want. So, I decided to try and distract myself. Got on the computer, hit up YouTube, and typed in abscess removal. Yup. No longer hungry, that's for sure!!

So that's pretty much what led me to tonight's post. Home videos! Dual purpose: Gross out people, AND show what a moron you are!! YAY! So, I know that there is a strong appeal in recording your friends popping a cyst somewhere on your body and posting it online, but there's a few things that these people don't look into...

Number One: A cyst, abscess, pimple, whatever; they aren't just on the surface of your skin. They go much, much deeper! A lot of the best home videos on draining a cyst are the BIG abscesses. The ones that, if you were to go to a clinic or hospital, would be packed with sterile gauze after it was drained. That NEED to be packed in order for less chances of contamination, proper healing, and reduce risk of infection; whiiiiiiiiiich leads me to number two.

The main thing about these home videos that makes me cringe, is the lack of sterility. There was one woman who lanced her husband's cyst with a knife, and proceeded to drain it, all without cleaning the knife or the skin with at least some peroxide. Gross. And to add to all that, she was dealing with an open wound. With puss, and blood. First, talk about blood borne pathogens.... Second, the band-aide on her index finger that was pushing on her lil' hubby's cyst. You know what band-aides cover? Cuts. An ENTRY WAY for all that blood and nastiness coming out of his body. I can't even begin to say how disgusting that is! I mean really, not wearing gloves, and not trying to sterilize ANYTHING??


Number three: Why in the blazes would you trust your health and well being with your friends? Another video I watched: drunk friends popped a guy's cyst with needle. Beer bottles all over the place, all the friends taking a turn on popping it a bit. WHY?! Gahh, so unsterile! So wrong! Eeeewwww!

Okay. So I'm done with my rant. But still, there is a reason doctors go to school for so long. There's a reason people in the medical field get paid so much. Let's let them do their job!!! Stop thinking that everything can be solved with an at home remedy! Some times, you really need to just suck it up and hit up the doctor's office... It'd save you a lot of pain and suffering! (Not to mention possible conditions much worse than what you started out with!)

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

It's not about the past, but what you make of the future....

In the months since moving away from home and starting college, I've been hit (more like slapped in the face, really) with many harsh realities. Some which all graduated seniors experience, some more individual to just me. But in any case, it's been quite a roller coaster ride.

When I moved, I was determined to change my life. In high school, all I cared about was sports, hanging out with my friends, and partying. I knew I wanted to live for so much more, but I lacked the motivation or really even the means to do so. My town was so small that there wasn't really a whole lot available to a teen that wanted to really try and live for God, much less have the acceptance from others to do so. So I never did. Instead, I lived for the moment. Sure I, for the most part, had good morals, and tried to keep people happy and not do anything to upset the natural balance our town had, and most every adult liked me, and would call me their daughter or family in one form or another. But I felt ashamed because I knew if they could just see who I was when they weren't around, they wouldn't be so excited to call me theirs....

But I knew when I moved in with my sister and brother-in-law, that I was finally going to become the person I'd been wanting to be. I've been making small steps toward that goal, and this has been one the most beautifully frustrating phases of my life. On one end, I'm FINALLY becoming the person everyone thinks I am. On the other hand, I'm having to learn some insanely hard lessons the hard way. Take for instance, romantic relationships. In high school, from the time I started dating my sophomore year, I don't think I was single for more than a total of 4 months. True, one of my relationships lasted a total of a year and a half, but it never took me more than 3 weeks to find another boyfriend. I've learned that I was too scared to be alone. And if I'm being honest, I still am. But not having a boyfriend for the last 7 months, has given me time for so many other things; like concentrating on school (for the first time ever I'm a straight A student), becoming a part in my new church (which is totally amazing), and attempting to meet new friends and truly making this new place my home (another quite difficult lesson that I'm making slow progress on...)

Anyway, one harsh reality that hit me today is this: What exactly did my life back home mean? What was the point? After looking at the person I was, the memories I have, and reading in my bible a bit, I found my answer. And I didn't like it. At all. My life during high school, meant absolutely nothing. I didn't have a purpose, a reason, behind me. I wasn't a good friend, I wasn't a very nice or thankful or thoughtful daughter, I took my family for granted, and I was a flake on most things I started. I wasn't living up to my full potential. I wasn't even capable of living up to my full potential for that matter. There is one major, key, difference between the me in high school, and the person I am now. And that difference is God. I now have a purpose behind my life. My purpose is to serve God, and show His light to others. My purpose is to be the opposite of the person I was in high school. My purpose is to be a better friend, to be a nice, thankful, thoughtful daughter to my parents, realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, loving family. My purpose is to be strong and passionate about the things I start, because they are important; otherwise I wouldn't have started them in the first place.

I can fret about my past until I turn blue, but that doesn't change what's already happened. In the time I take to look back on my mistakes, LIFE is happening. The thing that I do have control over: my present. My right now. I have to move forward, with God as my map, and live up to my full potential, with Him by my side.

Are you living up to your full potential? I advise not exploring that question unless your ready for the answer, and ready to do something about it. Good luck.

Loving Thoughts,
Girl With No Name