I just realized today how much I have been ignoring this site. Which is funny, because I love writing, have plenty to write about, and am always feeling this desperate need to share my exploding mind with the world… So I find it odd that I have been avoiding this like the plague…
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that since about the beginning of last month, I’ve been ignoring everything…. I had to make a choice that hurt someone I loved, and in return I was the recipient of many hurtful words, thoughts, posts, and whatever else you can think of to let people know how you feel. I retreated into myself, and made outlets out of things that have never before been (or will now be) an interest. I pretended everything was the same, and that I was okay, when I really was crying myself to sleep most nights. It was so frustrating for me, because I knew I made the right choice. I did the right thing. I was doing what God told me to do. This past year, I made the vow that I would improve my relationship with God, whatever it took… And much to my heartache and sadness, it took my relationship with a man that I thought I was going to marry.
I wish that people would realize that I wasn’t trying to be hurtful, and that I wasn’t just “bored” or any of the other things people said about me…. I was doing what I felt God was pulling me to do. I felt like something was off, not right, and like I was a little suffocated. I didn’t feel like I was giving my all to God when in that relationship. I felt like something was holding me back. Not that he was purposefully doing anything to hinder my relationship with God, but we weren’t on the same page… We’re at different places and we experience our relationship with Him in very different ways.
I’ve been told over and over again by the people in my church that I have a servant’s heart. And while I don’t completely understand – or really even agree – with that statement, I can see what they are talking about. Since starting work at the church, I’ve been opened up to amazing opportunities! My schedule now allows everything that I’ve wanted to do since I moved here. I’m finding myself getting involved in every aspect of the church, and I love it! I need someone who loves this as much as I do. That just wants to be here and be involved, and not worry about what kind of time it’s going to take from other things… My life revolves around the church now. And it’s been amazing for my walk. Individuals that can influence me towards God, instead of away from Him, surround me. I spend about 90% of my time at the church, and I love it!
But at the same time, I’m terrified. I don’t like being single. I never realized (or maybe just never let surface from my self-conscience; Or it’s also possible that God knew I wasn’t ready to see that answer) as to exactly why I don’t like it. But last night, in talking with my sister, I realized why. Being in a relationship with someone, shows me that I can be/am wanted by someone that is not my family, or who don’t “have” to care about me. Growing up in a small town didn’t really help with this feeling either. In a place like that, you don’t totally have a choice of friends (and that sounds a lot harsher that it really is… If you are one of those people and your reading this, think about it. You really couldn’t be picky about who you were going to be around, otherwise there wouldn’t be anyone at all…). You grow up with everyone and form bonds out of necessity. Now, since I’m not really the kind of person that just hangs out with people to hang out, the people I was a friend with knew that I had their backs. If something was going on, I was right there to help out. I thought, and felt, that that feeling was mutual, until this summer when my closest friendship blew up in my face. That was when I truly realized that, while small towns are great, you couldn’t really be sure who people really were. Everyone has to protect him or herself and hide a little about who they are, because everyone knows everything else about you. Seeing that friendship crack and crumble, was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, and it breaks my heart to look at where we used to be, and where we are now… the last time I saw her, it wasn’t like best friends reuniting after a long time of not seeing each other. It felt more like two people who had met at a social gathering once, and happened to run into one another. It was awkward.
But, when you’re someone’s girlfriend, that’s a whole other ball game. You CHOOSE to date someone… you WANT to be around that person; to love them, hold them, and share experiences together. It’s a choice. And what I’m afraid of, are people (not a boyfriend) NOT making that choice with me… I’ve already seen that in some people, and it really sucks!
So right now I have to learn to just rely on God, and truly hand over my life, mind, body, and spirit to Him. It’s really difficult and very scary, but at the same time it’s quite humbling and I feel at peace with my latest revelation. Just this morning was when I told God that I am now wholly His, for Him to do whatever He may please. Again, scary, but I know that this is the right decision, and God is the one being that will never let me down. I know that this is going to be a really difficult transition for me, but I’m really hoping that being as involved in my church as I am, will be a great distraction, and not leave me with enough time to reminisce old broken feelings, and will leave me feeling whole, loved, needed, and appreciated. (PS, prayer is totally welcome!) J
Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name
