Motionless in Limbo....

I have to apologize. It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I could say that I've been insanely busy with school, work, and church (which is true), but I've also had enough time to continue indulging my not-so-healthy addiction to the TV show Bones (which is starting to take it's toll.... The past few nights I've had some fairly interesting dreams...). No, the truth is, I've been wanting to post... There's a lot that I want to talk about. But every time I sit down to start writing, or start thinking in my head about what I want to say, I go blank. Which is really quite ridiculous considering I'm writing about myself, not some weird history topic in which I have no idea what is going on... So it's been really frustrating me that I can't seem to write. With that said, I'm still going to give this a shot. And I apologize now if any of the topics I cover seem totally disconnected, random, and completely disheveled...

For those of you reading this that have been around me the past few weeks, it comes as no surprise that I've been fairly depressed. And until Saturday night, I honestly could not tell you why. Everything had been going pretty well in life. I'm doing great in school, finally have a job and I love the people I work with, still singing at church and involved in Awana. Yet outside of these activities, I couldn't drag myself out of my room except to eat and take a shower. I was cutting everyone out. My sister, my nephew, my friends. Everyone asked if I was okay, and my instant reply was "Yep! Doing great!". Apparently I'm not that great of a lier, according to some of the looks I received. But I couldn't explain what I was feeling. I didn't understand it. Well, I still don't really understand it. So it didn't make any sense to start involving other people in problems that I wasn't able to give explanations for. But that wasn't my only reasoning for not opening up to people...

See, I come from a VERY small town. The type of town where news travels fast. Like my junior year in high school; I was in a car wreck with my boyfriend the night before the big homecoming games, and I ended up in the hospital. The only people that knew I was going to the hospital were my parents and my best friend. The next day, I had people I barely even knew or spoke to calling to see if I was okay. EVERYONE knew what happened the night before. My point of the that story is this: If there is something going on in your life that you don't want the town knowing about, you keep it to yourself. It's hard knowing exactly who you can trust in places like that. The only person I told anything to, was my best friend, because we understood each other and knew what was okay to talk about with other people and what wasn't. But even she doesn't know ALL the problems I was having. Point is, after living in a place like that, you learn what is okay to talk about, and what's not. Personal problems? Not okay. Especially if you tell the wrong person. I know that this fear I have of letting people in is irrational for the group of people I'm involved with now, but habits are hard to break. It's hard to know who you can or can't trust. So, to my friends in my new home, please don't take it to heart if you can see I'm having a hard time and won't talk about it. I don't like displaying my emotions to others, and especially not in a group setting like bible study. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know, but you also have to understand, I've never had to TRY to get to know people. I grew up with all my friends back home. We already knew everything about each other, so all we had to worry about was what was going to come next....

But there is one last reason I have a hard time to open up to others. I know that there is a lot of heartache, a lot of pain, and a lot of frustration out there. I'm not naive. I know I'm not the only person dealing with problems. And for those reasons, when I know that you are going through pain to, and pain that I see as being more afflictive than mine (which will always be the case) I don't want to burden you with my issues. You have your own things going on, that you don't need to hear my sob story too. I love helping people, I love listening to what others are going through, and I love giving advice to those that open up to me. But I never see that door open in both directions, mostly because I won't let it be open to me. I'm a person that deals with her problems alone. I'm the girl that tries to put a smile on no matter the circumstance, and go about my day, but once it's time for bed, I'm the one that lays there wondering where it all started going wrong. I'm the girl that cries on her pillow until she either falls asleep or can't cry anymore. I'm a very sensitive, very emotional person. Sometimes that is a good thing, other times it sucks a LOT. But that's just who I am.

So I guess this post had a direction after all... It was my attempt at helping my new friends understand where I'm coming from as far as dealing with my problems. Okay. That didn't sound very eloquent, but I'm tired and currently can't think of another way to put it! So with that said, I bid you all a good night, and will see you next time....

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

It's 'Random Rant' Time....

Okay, so on occasion, I have times where I really need to vent. And this, is one of those times. Unfortunately, I also really need to sleep, so I'll try to make this fast.

First off, I really need someone to take a look at my forehead. Because I have a feeling that since I vowed I wasn't going to date anymore, it's been stamped on my head "I'm not going to date anyone, so NOW is the time to start talking to me again, and act like you HAVEN'T been ignoring me the past few (insert: weeks/months)!" in huge red block letters that only my ex boyfriends can see. GREAT! This has been fantastic (sarcasm). Suddenly a number of the guys from my past are deciding to talk to me again. Stirring up lots of lovely memories that I'd rather leave buried. Thanks for that.

Secondly: Don't get me wrong, I love the new people I'm meeting, and my church, and everything that goes with it. I love living with my sister and her family. I hate being in Portland. I do not adjust well to change. I have a very hard time trying to get to know new people, because that's something I've never had to do. I grew up with all my friends! We knew each other's history. All we had to worry about was the future! I miss my friends. But at the same time, I'm wondering how good of friends I really even was with anyone back home. Since moving away, I barely talk to anyone. I get to look at all the pictures on Facebook of all the friends I left behind having a great time, while I'm here; attempting to make something of myself, and scared that I'm failing horribly. Until just the other day, I barely even had contact with my best friend. I feel as though my whole life, where I grew up, was just temporary. That I was forgotten the moment I moved away and wasn't seen around the halls of the high school anymore. Just gone. Even though right now I'm in a better standing with God, I wish I could have my old life back; just with the knowledge I have now. Although I probably shouldn't admit this, I literally prayed last night that God would turn back the clock, give me one more chance. I don't like feeling like I was something temporary in someone's life. I don't like feeling as though I've been forgotten by the people I just spent the last 11 years of my life with. If I am forgotten by these people, what was the point of even being there in the first place?

I have so much more on my mind, but it's really quite difficult to type actual words when your looking at your screen through tears, and like I said at the beginning of tonight's entry, I really need to get some sleep.... Farewell all.

Girl With No Name