I have to apologize. It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I could say that I've been insanely busy with school, work, and church (which is true), but I've also had enough time to continue indulging my not-so-healthy addiction to the TV show Bones (which is starting to take it's toll.... The past few nights I've had some fairly interesting dreams...). No, the truth is, I've been wanting to post... There's a lot that I want to talk about. But every time I sit down to start writing, or start thinking in my head about what I want to say, I go blank. Which is really quite ridiculous considering I'm writing about myself, not some weird history topic in which I have no idea what is going on... So it's been really frustrating me that I can't seem to write. With that said, I'm still going to give this a shot. And I apologize now if any of the topics I cover seem totally disconnected, random, and completely disheveled...
For those of you reading this that have been around me the past few weeks, it comes as no surprise that I've been fairly depressed. And until Saturday night, I honestly could not tell you why. Everything had been going pretty well in life. I'm doing great in school, finally have a job and I love the people I work with, still singing at church and involved in Awana. Yet outside of these activities, I couldn't drag myself out of my room except to eat and take a shower. I was cutting everyone out. My sister, my nephew, my friends. Everyone asked if I was okay, and my instant reply was "Yep! Doing great!". Apparently I'm not that great of a lier, according to some of the looks I received. But I couldn't explain what I was feeling. I didn't understand it. Well, I still don't really understand it. So it didn't make any sense to start involving other people in problems that I wasn't able to give explanations for. But that wasn't my only reasoning for not opening up to people...
See, I come from a VERY small town. The type of town where news travels fast. Like my junior year in high school; I was in a car wreck with my boyfriend the night before the big homecoming games, and I ended up in the hospital. The only people that knew I was going to the hospital were my parents and my best friend. The next day, I had people I barely even knew or spoke to calling to see if I was okay. EVERYONE knew what happened the night before. My point of the that story is this: If there is something going on in your life that you don't want the town knowing about, you keep it to yourself. It's hard knowing exactly who you can trust in places like that. The only person I told anything to, was my best friend, because we understood each other and knew what was okay to talk about with other people and what wasn't. But even she doesn't know ALL the problems I was having. Point is, after living in a place like that, you learn what is okay to talk about, and what's not. Personal problems? Not okay. Especially if you tell the wrong person. I know that this fear I have of letting people in is irrational for the group of people I'm involved with now, but habits are hard to break. It's hard to know who you can or can't trust. So, to my friends in my new home, please don't take it to heart if you can see I'm having a hard time and won't talk about it. I don't like displaying my emotions to others, and especially not in a group setting like bible study. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know, but you also have to understand, I've never had to TRY to get to know people. I grew up with all my friends back home. We already knew everything about each other, so all we had to worry about was what was going to come next....
But there is one last reason I have a hard time to open up to others. I know that there is a lot of heartache, a lot of pain, and a lot of frustration out there. I'm not naive. I know I'm not the only person dealing with problems. And for those reasons, when I know that you are going through pain to, and pain that I see as being more afflictive than mine (which will always be the case) I don't want to burden you with my issues. You have your own things going on, that you don't need to hear my sob story too. I love helping people, I love listening to what others are going through, and I love giving advice to those that open up to me. But I never see that door open in both directions, mostly because I won't let it be open to me. I'm a person that deals with her problems alone. I'm the girl that tries to put a smile on no matter the circumstance, and go about my day, but once it's time for bed, I'm the one that lays there wondering where it all started going wrong. I'm the girl that cries on her pillow until she either falls asleep or can't cry anymore. I'm a very sensitive, very emotional person. Sometimes that is a good thing, other times it sucks a LOT. But that's just who I am.
So I guess this post had a direction after all... It was my attempt at helping my new friends understand where I'm coming from as far as dealing with my problems. Okay. That didn't sound very eloquent, but I'm tired and currently can't think of another way to put it! So with that said, I bid you all a good night, and will see you next time....
Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name
About Me
- girl_with_no_name
- I created this blog as a way to keep friends and family updated on my life and how I've been doing since moving away from the only place I've ever known: a small, 530 population town, to a large city! There have been a lot of ups, and a lot of downs, but through it all I've been trusting Christ, and learning what true faith means and what it really looks like...
3 comments:
I can understand where you're coming from. I almost never tell people what's going on with my life, and it's taken it's toll a time or two. I think what you're saying is right, it's a small town thing, trying to keep your secrets to yourself.
But I found that keeping some things to myself wasn't working, it was hurting more than it was helping. Most of the time I keep my emotions to myself but after breaking down a couple times... well you know that story. But I learned that asking for a shoulder to cry on is okay.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm here with open arms. I'm willing to listen and I probably have some stupid cheesy advice to make you smile. I'm right here. Love you darling!
I think I wrote this 10 years ago...you stole it from my journal, right? :D
I grew up in a small town too and had the same experience about very (very very) cautiously sharing anything personal. Oh the pain from un-cautious sharing.
And then that second to last paragraph! That was totally me!! Yup! Except I was in my early 20's before I could even admit these things to myself, much less others.
Hang in there. Find good, solid Christian girls to hang with. Trust the people you know can be trusted. And I'm always willing to be "burdened" with your issues! :D Because they aren't a burden - you have life and I have life and we all need to chat with someone.
I know what you mean in both the writing troubles and letting people see your side. I am always trying to help others, but almost never let them help me. I usually deal with it myself, even when it is obvioulsy easier with someone else. I just never want to burden others especially when they are someone I just helped. I do not want to throw something on them after their release. That is why it is good to have a friend that will force their way(not in an annoying or mean way). You may comment and prove how you are not perfect, but your views and insight prove you are doing good and if nothing else, at least headed in the right direction.
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