Remember...

It says in the Bible that you need to remember all that you are thankful for in hard times. Well, these are hard times, and this is what I'm thankful for (not in any particular order, and I know there are things I will forget....):

1. A roof over my head and food in my tummy every night,
2. My amazing, crazy, wonderful family that has been there through everything.
1. My mom, who always has the best advice no matter the circumstance.
2. My dad, who always manages to make me smile and realize things from a different perspective.
3. My sister, who always has my back and tells me everything I need to hear, whether I want to hear it or not.
4. My grandparents, who supported me in everything I did.
5. My brother, finally having an opportunity to get to know each other and have fun together.
6. My niece, who always gives me the cheekiest, cutest smiles when I just look at her.
7. My nephew, who may not like giving hugs, but always seems to know just when I need one- and he holds on tight.
3. My wonderful boyfriend, who has seen me at good times and bad, with makeup and with out makeup, and still loves me just the same. Whenever I'm feeling down or going through a rough patch, he always lifts me up again with a bible verse or by telling me some funny thing he and his friends have done.
4. My awesome church, which is involved in so many aspects of the Christian faith, and being able to be a big part of every Sunday by leading the congregation in worship.
5. My job, which I may not have totally enjoyed at first, but my boss has shown me she's willing to do what it takes to keep me working and giving me hours,
6. My car, which I swear must have super powers, because it's made one tank of gas stretch farther than I thought possible when money is tight.
7. My education, both high school and college. High school prepared me for everything I had to accomplish in college, and college is preparing me for life.
8. My great extern site. The doctor is so relaxed and understanding about any special circumstances, and is willing to help you out with anything you may be struggling with. The clinic just has a wonderful small-town feel to it. I hope I can find a clinic like that to work in when I'm ready for a job...
9. My bible study and the friends in it. Without that, there is so much I wouldn't have learned and good times I wouldn't have had!
10. The friends I'm starting to meet and work and school.
11. The ability to realize what to fight for, and what to let go.

I know there is so much more, but the fact is this: Everything that I'm so thankful for, wouldn't be possible without God. So what I am most thankful for above all else, is my relationship with Him and everything He has given me....

Loving Thoughts,

Girl With No Name

To Go, Or Not To Go.....

Wow. Talk about a wild ride. The past month and a half has brought so much: the end of classes, an amazing boyfriend, more hours at work, CLINIC!, growing closer with God.... I'm sure there's much more, but I'm much too tired to think of them all!

But amongst all this greatness, there's still the fear, worries, doubt, and even a little pain. My most recent struggle: Whether or not to go home for my high school's 2011 graduation. I know, it sounds like a pretty silly thing to be worrying about, but I am.

See, here's what gets me: I barely talk with anyone from back home anymore. Now, I know the street goes both ways, you don't have to tell me that; but whenever I try to start conversations with any of them, it's just the awkward "Hey, how are you doing? Oh I'm fine. Anything new? Nope, not here either..." Yeahhh. Not much of a conversation. So I finally just gave up. There's no point to keep trying to make connections with people that obviously could care less how you are, what you are doing, and what's going on in your life. It's starting to become apparent to me that: Yes, I was liked by most people in high school, but not liked enough, or didn't make a big enough impression on others to really be missed once I was gone... I see talk between my old classmates, or between my classmates and some of the people still in high school, on Facebook; talking about how much they miss each other, how they can't wait to hang out again, etc. And who do I talk to? Oh, some friends from church, occasionally someone from school. But never anyone from back home.

So it's because of this that I'm not sure if I should go back. I mean, why should I waste my money on gas to go see people that don't necessarily want to see me? People that I have no connection with, and now, really nothing in common with. All we truly share is our past. I've changed a lot since high school, and sure, so have they, but not in the same ways that I have....

Which brings up my second worry- No one has seen me since I started changing. The memory they have when they think of me is not accurate to the person I am now. I'm afraid they won't understand the changes I've gone through to become the person I am, the person I'm trying to be. And what I'm truly afraid of: I'm terrified of being sucked into my past life, of ruining all the progress I've made. I know that may be a pretty irrational fear, but it's there nonetheless.

So, there we have it. I must admit though, it is pretty nice not worrying about the things I used to- namely, boys and relationships. I never would have thought that I'd be dating the guy I'm with now, but I'm so glad God brought him into my life this way. I cannot wait to see what the future brings for us!

Good night all,
Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name

Use me how You need me...

Tonight I heard something genius. A friend of mine at bible study was talking about one of her friends who said this (and yes, I'm paraphrasing), "No, I don't like my job. I'd love to quit. But here's the thing: there are two guys who don't know the Lord, that keep asking me questions. God put me there for a reason. I get to be a light in a dark place. So this is where I'm staying." That statement, is overwhelmingly packed with wisdom.

It's almost been a year since I moved away from home. And it's unbelievable to see just how much has changed. In high school, you always hear adults saying "Time flies!" and "So many things changed in such short time!". I was just like, "Well yeah, high school is going by pretty fast, and I'm changing grades and jobs and whatnot...." I never fully understood what they meant, until now. 

See, I'm a plan maker. And last summer, I had a plan. My best friend and I were going to live together in a small college town, go to school, and just have fun. Welllll, when we both decided we hated the school we were supposed to be attending, my whole plan, and my whole world, flipped upside down in about four days.... Four short days, is all it took (and all God needed) to literally change the course of my whole life. 

It has been an amazing, wild, and hard ride; filled to the brim with plenty of ups and downs to keep my head spinning, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have no idea where I'd be if my friend and I had stuck to our plan, but I have a very strong feeling that it would be a total 180 from where I am now.

And it hasn't been any secrete that I don't like living in the city. I miss my country life. I miss knowing everyone. There is just something about living in a small town that is so calm, peaceful, and reassuring. I love it. But what that guy said really hit home. THIS is where God put me. He made that VERY clear! He's shown me many reasons for me being here, another one of which He showed me on Sunday, which was impacted more by what I had discussed with my bible study leader last Tuesday. I'm supposed to be in this place. I'm supposed to be involving myself in the church. I'm supposed to be reaching out to others, helping them avoid the mistakes I've made in my past, or helping them through their own mistakes. I'm supposed to be here, to learn more about my relationship with God, and to grow in it. I may not particularly enjoy every bit of it, but I get to be a light in a dark place. 

I asked God last week to test me, to start tearing me down so He could build me back up. I told Him that I was sick of the way I'd been living, even with Him so much more in my life. I want a change. I want to be used and molded into HIS creation. I want His light and glory to shine through my life. I want to reach out and help others. I want to go on mission trips. I want to become so involved in my church that whenever someone needs something done, my name instantly pops in their head. I want to live my life FOR God. I want Him to be in every nook and cranny of my life. I want people to make no mistake in knowing, in SEEING, that I am a Christian woman living for God. He has started this process already. I have a feeling, this has been a long time coming; He just had to wait for me to open my heart and say the word. It's hard. There are a lot of things I have to come to terms with. But I know, without a doubt, that while it's GOD tearing me down, HE is also the one building me back up so I am more useful to whatever His plan is for me. I have faith that I'm going to make it through. He never gives us a test that we can't ace. We may stumble, but if He brings us to it, He'll bring us through it!

Loving thoughts,

Girl With No Name