To Go, Or Not To Go.....

Wow. Talk about a wild ride. The past month and a half has brought so much: the end of classes, an amazing boyfriend, more hours at work, CLINIC!, growing closer with God.... I'm sure there's much more, but I'm much too tired to think of them all!

But amongst all this greatness, there's still the fear, worries, doubt, and even a little pain. My most recent struggle: Whether or not to go home for my high school's 2011 graduation. I know, it sounds like a pretty silly thing to be worrying about, but I am.

See, here's what gets me: I barely talk with anyone from back home anymore. Now, I know the street goes both ways, you don't have to tell me that; but whenever I try to start conversations with any of them, it's just the awkward "Hey, how are you doing? Oh I'm fine. Anything new? Nope, not here either..." Yeahhh. Not much of a conversation. So I finally just gave up. There's no point to keep trying to make connections with people that obviously could care less how you are, what you are doing, and what's going on in your life. It's starting to become apparent to me that: Yes, I was liked by most people in high school, but not liked enough, or didn't make a big enough impression on others to really be missed once I was gone... I see talk between my old classmates, or between my classmates and some of the people still in high school, on Facebook; talking about how much they miss each other, how they can't wait to hang out again, etc. And who do I talk to? Oh, some friends from church, occasionally someone from school. But never anyone from back home.

So it's because of this that I'm not sure if I should go back. I mean, why should I waste my money on gas to go see people that don't necessarily want to see me? People that I have no connection with, and now, really nothing in common with. All we truly share is our past. I've changed a lot since high school, and sure, so have they, but not in the same ways that I have....

Which brings up my second worry- No one has seen me since I started changing. The memory they have when they think of me is not accurate to the person I am now. I'm afraid they won't understand the changes I've gone through to become the person I am, the person I'm trying to be. And what I'm truly afraid of: I'm terrified of being sucked into my past life, of ruining all the progress I've made. I know that may be a pretty irrational fear, but it's there nonetheless.

So, there we have it. I must admit though, it is pretty nice not worrying about the things I used to- namely, boys and relationships. I never would have thought that I'd be dating the guy I'm with now, but I'm so glad God brought him into my life this way. I cannot wait to see what the future brings for us!

Good night all,
Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name