Wow. Talk about a crazy 3 months! Time has blown by so fast, yet it feels like it was just the other week that what I thought was the whirlwind of my destruction, began. It’s amazing how much can change in 3 months though…. Three months ago, I was in a relationship, hoping to soon be engaged. Three months ago, I thought I was on the up and up with my relationship with God. Three months ago, everything was fine….
Now? Well, now I’ve been single for three months. Now, I’ve realized just how off base I was in my assumption that God was in control of my life. Now, everything is crazy. Or, it was… Until last Thursday.
See, once my relationship was over, God started testing me even more (which I seriously did not think was possible!). He started isolating me from friends and things I used to do. And in response to that, I isolated myself from my family. Those of you who have stuck with me from the creation of this blog know that I’ve experienced some pretty dark and difficult times in the past year, but I’m telling you now, that didn’t hold a candle to the past 3 months! There was a lot of hurt, sadness, anger, and even a little rebellion. I felt hurt, sad, and betrayed by my ex, especially when he got a new girlfriend. I was angry with God, although I never admit it to myself. I was angry that He would take away something that I loved so dearly, and then just leave me hanging there with a broken heart. I was angry that He gave me friends, and then took them away. And believe it or not, I was angry that He allowed me to rebel in the way I did. I was daring Him to stop me, but He never did. He let me wallow in my self-destruction. Then I got mad at myself. How could I have done that? Who am I to challenge God? Who am I to question the motives of the one being that has ALWAYS been there for me, who’s never let me down. I tried to make it right. I started shaping up. I started praying like crazy. But there was a disconnect, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I knew that God was testing me, and it was so frustrating because I knew that I was failing the test. I proclaimed that He had my life in whole, but I was still fighting for control. I wanted control over my relationships. I wanted to meet the REAL man I’m supposed to marry, and I wanted him NOW. But that’s not the way it works… Everything happens in God’s time for a reason…
I sent my mom an email. Well, more of a book really, explaining what I was going through, and begging for help. What she had to say was genius. Have you people ever heard of the Armor of God?? If not, you really need to hear what I have to say! Sure, it sounds a little silly; until you try it. It took me 3 days after I read her reply to actually try it out. And once I did, it was like a switch flipped, and suddenly there was light flooding into my life from every direction, drowning out the darkness that was consuming my heart and mind.
First off, this is a directive from the Bible that God gives us (so yes, you can check this out for yourself, I’m not just making this up!). We are supposed to do this everyday so we may be protected from the Enemy. Okay, so here we go: First, you’re to put on the Helmet of Salvation. This is to protect your head and your thoughts. Next, you have the Breastplate of Righteousness, which protects your heart and emotions (which I think is for when you fail to put on your Helmet. I mean, think about it, your heart and emotions go haywire when you think of things. If you have your Helmet on, you won’t be thinking of the things that make your heart go funky!) Then you have the Belt of Truth, to remind you that God is the Way, the Truth, and the Light, while Satan is a Liar, Deceiver, and Destroyer of everything good. Next, God asks us to pick up the Sword of the Spirit, which is used to then cut down the strongholds Satan already has in our life. Then you are to shod your feet with the Gospel of Peace, so that God may be the one to lead you throughout your day, and other’s may see God’s light in you. Last, but definitely not least, there is the Shield of Faith. This shield is used to protect you daily from the fiery darts of the enemy, because Satan is constantly trying to bring us down in anyway he can! It is seriously amazing how much a difference doing this every morning can make in your life!! I was having a bad day when I first decided to try this. Right after I was done praying, I felt better! No joke, it was just like a curtain was pulled off, and I was fine. And I’ve had days that weren’t so great since I started doing this, but they don’t effect me at all the way that they used to! I even put on the Armor again before going to sleep, because in the past I’d been having a lot of dreams about everything that was hurting me, and now, no more dreams!
The next amazing thing that has happened to me, happened just last Thursday. You know how I said earlier that I THOUGHT I’d given God control? Well, I really have now. And it’s awesome! See, at Bible study, the lady that created the study we are doing said that she prayed over this week, that at least one person’s walk with God could be changed for the rest of their life. I remember thinking, “Oh, that’s a nice thought… Doubt it could happen though.” HA! God sure took that challenge with a vengeance! He took my heart that night, and as I was watching that video, He made sure I could feel every little thing He was doing to me! I felt as my heart when from hard, to soft, to softer, to completely broken and crumbled. I almost had to leave the room… But then, slowly, the more she talked; I felt my heart start to come back together again. It was, stronger. The strangest feeling overcame me. I felt powerful, weak, emotional, and a calming peace all at the same time. In that moment, I felt like God was saying to me, “I can do all things, don’t test me like again…” It was completely amazing. I feel closer to God now than I have ever before. I feel like I actually have a RELATIONSHIP with Him! And I’m telling you, I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
And speaking of relationships, I know some of you are wondering about my romantic relationships, and where I’m going from here. Well, I’m at the point where I just don’t care about boys in that way (only by the Grace of God!). Right now, I’m concentrating on molding my life and who I am into what I need to be to fulfill God’s purpose for my life, to be what HE needs me to be. I’m concentrating on my life here in the church, and how I can improve and bring His Glory to this place in my own way. I’m concentrating on my upcoming mission trip to Uganda, something I’ve dreamed about doing for 5 years. I’m concentrating on God. I’ve always loved the saying “A woman’s heart should be so lost in God, that a man must seek Him in order to find her.” I’ve never felt such power to make that saying a reality for my life as I do now! Plus, another one of Mom’s genius sayings reminded me of this: I may not even be worthy of my husband right now, and he may not be worthy of me! I need to figure out who I am and what my purpose is, before trying to involve someone else in it! I need to be one whole person, and so does my husband! We can’t be two halves, searching for someone else to make us whole. We’d never be happy. There would be so much pain and hurt coming from that empty half that we never filled with GOD, that we just filled with the flesh of another human… an imperfect human being who will eventually let us down, hurt us. BUT, we have HOPE in GOD. If we are one whole person in God, then it doesn’t matter if our loved ones let us down, because we have God to pick us up! How awesome is that!? The one PERFECT being, who is all worthy, all powerful, and all knowing, HE is the one that wants to be there for us every time we fall. He wants to be there for EVERYTHING! He wants to be the one to kiss our booboos just like our moms did when we were younger to “make it all feel better”. And who better than God to be that person to kiss away our anxieties?? Amazing.
Loving Thoughts,
Girl With No Name
