On the Drive Home...

I love the 20 minute drive I have when I come home from school. It's my time to just relax (well, depending on traffic conditions...), rock out to my favorite music, or talk with God. Today, I talked with God. And in return, He gave me the biggest epiphany of my life.

So, all of you know that I'm working on my romantic life. It's been the biggest battle for me since moving here, and has been the topic of most of my posts. Well, sorry but here's another one! But this one is QUITE different from the others.... See, there's this guy. I like him, a LOT. I didn't even know that I liked him until this last weekend, buuuuuuut I do. He's cute, smart, fun to be with, loves being with his family, loves the country, and most importantly, is a Christian. And I'm scared to death. Or, at least I was until about half an hour ago....

So lets start from the beginning. Once I started dating in high school, I pretty much never stopped. I had my first real boyfriend at the beginning of my sophomore year. Between then and my senior year, I can honestly say that I was not single for more than about 5 or 6 months. Yeahhhh.... That's not a long time... I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. That's just the way I was (or so I thought, until half an hour ago)... I was happy with the way I was doing things back then. I was always a happy, energetic, talkative girl that got into anything in our school and community that I could get my hands on. So when I moved here, I thought that the reason I was getting so depressed was because I didn't have my schedule full all the time, because I didn't have my friends, and I was just in a new place and had no idea what was going on! But even when I started getting to know people, when I started having things to do almost every night of the week, and when I just had a lot going on, I was still getting depressed. I was pushing everyone, friends and family, away. Well, a few weeks ago my sister and I discovered a lot of the reason why I've been on a swinging roller coaster of happiness and depression ever since I got here. Back home when I was working, going to school, playing sports, hanging out with my friends, competing in FFA, I had a boyfriend through all of it. And when I didn't have a boyfriend, I was flirting with the guy I ended up dating next. It sounds really horrible, I know. I didn't realize just how bad that all looked until I took a step back at thought about who I used to be, and what I used to do. It kinda makes me sick now, just thinking about it. I thought that I had given my heart away to one of my ex boyfriends, and he had broken it. But what I realized in the car today, was that I have never given my heart away. I have never been in love. I THOUGHT I was in love with him, but after taken a hard look into my past, I've come to the hard realization that what I loved, was the attention. How I felt when I had a boyfriend who was holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me; THAT is what I loved. I realized that this guy I thought I loved, I actually didn't like very much. I didn't like his sense of humor, I didn't like the way he treated people, I HATED the way he acted toward my best friend, and I didn't like that he was Mormon. I realized that about the only thing I DID like about him was that he was part of a big, close knit family, and I thought he was attractive. I know bad all this sounds, I really do. But I can't ignore it, especially because it helps me realize what I need to do with my next relationship. All my past relationships were about me, and the benefit I got out of them. I liked those guys because they gave me the attention I desired. My relationships weren't about me liking the guy, wanting to get to know him on a personal level besides what we saw at school and sports trips, and they certainly weren't about God in any way. That's never going to happen again.

I realize that if I'm going to date this guy that I like now, it has to be intentional. There has to be boundaries. In the past, my only boundary was that I would not have sex. I realize now that that is not enough. It's time to step it up. I need to have a relationship where the attention factor is null. I need a relationship that is about getting to know each other and growing and building each other up in God. I really hope this can be the case with the guy I'm interested. I hope that what he says to me, about him agreeing with me, isn't just talk like it was with the last guy I almost dated. And I have to say, I'm VERY relieved and feel quite blessed that God did not let me pursue that relationship. I know what I want now. I even have an idea of how to obtain it; this relationship on a PERSONAL level, not a physical level, with the God and the man I like. It's going to be difficult for me, but I have family and God on my side to keep me accountable, along with this guy. And if the guy can't help me be accountable, then he isn't the one for me.

I ask that those of you who pray, please keep me and this relationship in your prayers. It's going to take a lot of work, but if he is as serious as I am, it will be worth it.

Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name