The Picture Goes Beyond The Frame....

Tonight has been an amazing revelation. At Bible study, we looked at 1 Corinthians chapter 13; the chapter on love. There were quite a few discussions, but I couldn't really concentrate on most of it, because there were a few things that really stuck out in my mind that I kept going over; I'm not doing enough. I don't mean this in a totally depressive, negative sort of way, either. I'm just simply not doing enough, and it's actually quite a nice realization, especially because God pointed out exactly where I need to pick up the pace. But the other realization I had tonight, that struck me almost to the point of crying (really the only thing that kept me together was that I was in a group.... I cried the whole way home), is that the picture I painted for myself, of why I moved here, is SO much greater than I ever imagined.

When moved here, it was all about me. How   I  was going to go to a good school, how  I  was going to mend my very broken relationship with God, how  I  was finally going to be attending the church of my dreams (literally). I know God has a purpose behind everything he does. I just assumed that His purpose with bringing me here was to fix me. WRONG.

A few weeks ago, my sister and I were getting groceries; and she told me that it was such a great thing that I was here, because it helps to keep her accountable in terms of keeping her attitude in check when the kids are bearing on her nerves, or how I can give her that little break by just playing with my nephew or consoling my baby niece. She told me that she thinks God knew she was going to need help, so He sent me here.

I've just recently started helping a young high school boy with a relationship that he's having trouble understanding. It's actually quite enjoyable for me, because I'd never really even spoken to him before, just seen him around church and at Awana, and he just started asking me one day about girls; so it was really quite nice that he trusted me to reveal his life in that way, asking for help and advice, without even knowing me. Maybe God knew he'd need someone to talk to, get advice from that understood where both he and the girl are come from?

There is one friendship that I have here that kind of evolved out of nowhere, but he has become a huge factor in my walk, and has helped me with so much, I don't even think he can comprehend how much of a blessing he's been in my life; to have a male presence that just accepts me for ME, and has no interest outside of just helping me grow in God and help me become the woman I'm supposed to be. But then I found out the other day, I have been just as much of a blessing for him as he's been for me, which I really can't fathom considering I don't feel like I've even done anything!

And all of this leads me to the latest revelation: my brother is moving into the house tomorrow with me, my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece (and no, that's not the revelation). I brought this up as a prayer request tonight at bible study, because the relationship between my brother and I has never really been the best, and I'm excited, but a bit apprehensive to see what this new addition brings. Anyway, while my study leader was praying about this, he said something that struck me to my core; which was (paraphrasing) I have the ability now to be a light for my brother and show him God's love and help him to walk in faith. Talk about a realization! Now, as true as this is, I can't help but feel that it's also not so true... I don't feel like I'm truly in a place where I can be a great light to someone else, especially not my own brother who will see me all the time. But then again, maybe that's what  I  need to keep me accountable, make sure I'm walking to the best of my ability in God's word.

Amongst my crying and praying on the drive home tonight, I realized how truly blessed I am. I have the opportunity to work in so many people's lives. I wasn't brought here just for me, and my relationship with God. I was brought here for so many other purposes; a few of which have been shown to me, but who knows how many other reasons there are, yet to be discovered.

I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me. I want to become a bigger part of the church. I don't want to just become comfortable in my Awana and worship team. I want to be pushed outside of my comfort zone, to try things I've never done before. I want to go on a mission to Uganda or Oxaca. I want people at work and at school to know I'm a Christian. I want them to see the difference in the way I live my life compared to the rest of the world. I want to be that light to draw other's into a walk with God. I want to live my life according to His will.

In order to do all that, one thing I need to work on (not just for those reasons, but for others as well) is just relying on Him, realizing I don't need the approval of society, peers at school, or a guy, to live the life I want. Boys have been a major issue for me. I've been blessed to not have to worry about being IN a relationship, but ever since I started dating, there has always been a guy there romantically in my life, whether we are in a relationship or not. Right now, it's really hard because the guy I've been talking to is one that I haven't quite been able to get over. We never actually dated, but we had an intimate relationship. Conversation between us died shortly after he decided he wanted nothing to do with me. We'd talk a few times, but it seemed as though he were just talking to be nice... Anyway, he just got out of a relationship that ended badly, hurting him a lot. We began talking again shortly after, and although I enjoy talking to him, I'm also hurt by it, because I know the only reason he's talking to me now is because he's looking for a rebound. Someone to get him over his ex. And I was readily there for him. But tonight, I've had enough. I deserve more than that. I don't want a guy romantically in my life anymore. God is preparing a man for me, the perfect man for me; He's molding him and creating him into the man he's supposed to be, just like He's molding me. I want to wait for my husband. I'm tired of the broken hearts and letdowns. I'm going to wait on God. Rely on God. And live and do whatever it is He has in store for me right now. I've never been more excited about life!


Loving thoughts,
Girl With No Name