The Story of My Life.

I grew up in a Christian home, so I’ve always known God. Because of this, I don’t really have a big testimony about walking in the darkness with a big “aha!” moment of realizing Christ and His love for me. But what has happened in the past two years, has made me realize what true faith is, and what it looks and feels like to sacrifice everything you once stood for and love. I’ve had to learn, sometimes the hard way, that God has the best plan for my life- not me. I’ve had to give things up that I loved with all my heart in order to keep with God’s will, and have been blessed richly by doing so. So with that, here is my story about a girl who had to lose everything she knew for a world full of uncertainty, but also full of Christ.

I am a person that loves to plan, to have everything organized and figured out before jumping into a situation. So it wasn’t a big surprise that I had my first year of college planned out by the start of my senior year of high school. Another thing that didn’t surprise anyone was that my best friend, Kenzie, was included in these plans. Kenzie and I were inseparable all through high school, so it was only natural that we would go to college together!

Halfway through the school year was when things started to change. The college we were planning on going to was giving me a lot of problems, and I decided that it really wasn’t a school that I wanted to go to; but I would still go for Kenzie. After all, we had all these plans, and I certainly didn’t want to be the one to ruin them…

Well, we made it to graduation, and Kenzie and I decided to live together that summer before we went to college. We almost made it through the summer before she told me she didn’t want to go to our school anymore. I was so relieved! But it was short lived; she then told me what school she did want to go to, and had already applied to. It was a school in a town that I never wanted to live in, and a school that I never wanted to attend! I was at a complete loss. I knew at that point, all our plans were over. We wouldn’t be living together, or experiencing anymore “firsts” with each other. I felt like half of who I was, was going to be ripped away from me.

That night I called my mom, who happened to be in Portland visiting my sister. I broke down crying as I explained what was going on. I had completely lost control of my life, and the plans I had for it. Now what was I supposed to do? It was too late to turn in applications to any other school. And sure, I didn’t like the plan I had before, but at least it was a PLAN, something that I could count on and rely on to work. In the midst of my crying, my sister asked me, “Emily, do you remember when you were a freshman, and I told you that you could live with me here in Portland, and go to school here? Well, that option is still open.” That comment really caught me off guard. By that point, she had married, had one child, and was pregnant with a second. How could there possibly be room for me in their lives? I told her I would think about it…

I got on the computer the next day and started researching schools in the Portland area that specialized in medical assisting, since that was what I wanted to do. As I was looking at the schools and filling out applications, all I could think was, “God, this situation is in your hands, just please don’t let me fall. You know what I need, so make it happen.” As it turned out, a school called me the same day I turned in the application! They scheduled an interview with me for that weekend, so I headed to Portland the next day! I was accepted, and they had me set to start school in two weeks! I was excited that I had a plan, but I was also terrified. I was going to be moving away from my little town- the only thing I knew. I was moving from a valley of 500 people, to a city of over 30,000 people. I had a plan, yes. But I certainly did not have control.

My first year of living in Portland was scary. I didn’t have a job for the first 3 months, so I was barely able to fill my car with gas to get to school. When I did get a job, it only lasted for the Christmas season, so I was out of work again right after Christmas, and for the next two months. But all these experiences were eye openers. God showed me every single day that He was still walking beside me, that I was not alone, and He would take care of me.

I finally started making some friends in the spring, and God had even blessed me with a Christian boyfriend, Ethan. We’d known each other in high school, but never had any particular interest in dating. He was the first Christian I ever dated, and he helped me through a lot of really difficult times, including the first ever fight I had with Kenzie, which ultimately led to the end of our friendship. I was completely heartbroken. I never thought a day would come when I wouldn’t call Kenzie my best friend, but God knew what He was doing when He cut those ties.

Ethan was also the first boyfriend I ever set real boundaries with. Both of us wanted to take our relationship seriously because neither one of us wanted to just “date”. We wanted to prepare ourselves for the possibility of marriage, and we didn’t want to mess things up by moving too fast. I quickly found myself falling in love with him. I knew that I wanted to marry him. We talked about it constantly; what we wanted our lives to look like, where we wanted to live, and how many kids to have. It was exciting. Ethan even gave me a promise ring to wear until he purposed. I again had a plan for my life. But, just like before, my plan wasn’t God’s plan…

It started a few months after we started really seriously talking about marriage. I would start to feel a little sick to my stomach whenever I thought about my life being spent with Ethan. I just shrugged it off at first, thinking it was nothing. But when it started to get worse, I began to pray about it. And the more I prayed, the more God made me aware that I would be making a huge mistake by marrying Ethan. For whatever reason, I could feel God pulling my heart further away from Ethan and I’s relationship. And I wasn’t the only one noticing… Ethan tried to talk to me about it, but since I didn’t even understand what was going on, how could I explain it to anyone else?

Finally, one weekend I felt like God was just pounding on my heart and thoughts “You end this relationship, and you end it now!” My parents were in town, and while I hadn’t told them what I’d been feeling the past weeks, both could tell something was wrong. I finally broke down crying to each of them. Dad took me for a long walk that night and just talked to me. He liked Ethan, but he wouldn’t be able to give him permission to marry me. He wasn’t stable enough in a job and he didn’t know what he wanted for himself. Without these things answered, he couldn’t possibly try and include me in his life as well. And I wasn’t ready for marriage either. There were things that I still needed to figure out: if I really wanted to go on mission trips, figure out what to do now that I was almost done with school, and really see where my relationship with God stood. And the biggest thing my dad pointed out: If God was telling me no, then I needed to listen. Yet again, I found myself heartbroken. I was in love with Ethan. I didn’t understand why God was telling me no; it wasn’t like Ethan was a terrible person. He wasn’t going to be abusive, he was a Christian, and I LOVED him. The decision to break up with Ethan was literally the hardest choice I have ever had to make. But from all my experiences with God, I knew that there had to be a reason for Him to be saying no, and I knew I would regret it if I ignored Him. So I listened. That night, I broke up with the man I wanted to marry. I couldn’t stop crying. I was a wreck for weeks. His family turned against me, refused to talk to me. Within two months, Ethan had a new girlfriend. That was a hard pill to swallow, but God’s made me a stronger person because of it. I now KNOW what I do and don’t want in a husband. I know who I am, and whatever else life throws at me, I know I have the strength to say no to the world and yes to Christ! I’m standing firm in my faith, and God keeps showing me daily that He won’t let me down, as long as I’m striving after Him.

He’s also made me understand that as much as I loved Ethan, we weren’t right for each other. Neither one of us were ready for that large of a commitment, nor could I  fully hand my self over to Ethan as his wife. I was still carrying baggage from past relationships, and so was he. You can’t fully love someone without being healed and whole, and the only way to be whole is to give God your life. All of it, not just the pieces you think you want to give Him. He needs ALL of you to make you new and whole and ready for His work.

Of course, there are still things I need to work on, but I’m a lot farther now than I ever was six months ago. And now, GOD is in control of my life, I’m just along for the ride, admiring His handy work as we pass by.